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| UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. | 



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CLAXTON, REMSEN & H AEEELFINGER : 

624, 626, 628 Market Street, Philadelphia. 
THE AMERICAN NEWS COMPANY, New Yorlr. 



OPINIONS OF THE PR T $& 



From several thousand " opinions," carefully prepared for the use of the press, 
we select the following. We shall be happy to give the remainder in similar 
instalments in the future editions of " Our Show " 

[Special dispatch to the Jew York Herald.] 
" Have just discovered the hook on my editorial table — the fan I am still looking for; 'tis 
harder to find than Livingtone was. The African jungles were tame compared to the general 
wildness of these pages. — Stanley." 

[From the San Francisco Tribune. J 
"No library is complete without it — in the waste basket." 

[From the London Times.] 
'_' We admit that the volume puzzles us. We should be inclined to doubt some of the asser- 
tions contained within it, even to consider them preposterous, bad we not long ago given up 
any attempt to account for events or circumstances occurring iu America." 

[From Galignani's Messenger, Paris.] 
"We have not read this production in the original, but the French translation assures us that 
it is a work of grave import. Beneath the simple words there is a depth of meaning and a quiet, 
dignified tone of determination, which the friends of Liberty would do well to heed. It is a 
book to be pondered over. The illustrations are by Mons. Jacques Frost, an artist of warm 
imagination." 

[Fiom the Berlin Freie Presse.] 
" It is the only book of the kind we have ever seen — thank Heaven!" 

[From the Vienna Court Journal.] 
"The Emperor has not been seen in public for several days. We learn from reliable sources 
that he has been closeted in bis study, translating, altering, and localizing an American volume 
called ' Our Show,' to make it appear the official record of our late International Exposition." 

[From the Pekin Argus.] 
"The Authors are evidently insane." 

[From the St. Petersburg Daily News.] 
"This, with Sherman's 'Memoirs,' Motley's 'Dutch Republic,' and Mrs. Lee Hentz's 'Wooed, 
not Won,' presents a living argument against those who are in the habit of sneering at American 
literature. If this work fails to give America a first place in the rank of letters, it will keep 
her not far from the tail." 

[From the Constantinople Leader.] 
" It is the joint production of two geniuses. We doubt whether one genius could have writ- 
ten it and survived." 

[From the Copenhagen Sentinel.] 
"Copenhagen is shaken to its centre. Is Sweden dead? Is the land of the immortal 
Yy wxtlmp sleeping ? Has the American Exposition become a thing of the past whilst we are 
yet preparing for it ? or are the authors of this book endeavoring, under the guise of an histori- 
cal novel, to lay the foundation for poisoning the world in the future with the doctrines of 
Spiritualism? Philadelphia exchanges call it a 'third term pamphlet.' We have looked 
through its pages, and though failing to discover what this means, we found one term for which 
we thank the authors — the termination." 

[From the Hong Kong Examiner.] 
"Americans should receive a book like this with fervor — once every hundred years." 



1776. .UN. HUMOR. BURLESQUE. 1876. 

05E HUNDRED TEAES A REPUBLIC. 

OUR SHOW; 

A HUMOROUS 

ACCOUNT OF THE 

INTERNATIONAL EXPOSITION 

IN HONOR OF THE 

CENTENNIAL ANNIVERSARY OF AMERICAN INDEPENDENCE, 

FROM INCEPTION TO COMPLETION, 



INCLUDING 



DESCRIPTION OF BUILDINGS— BIOGRAPHIES OF MANAGERS— RECEPTIONS OF FOREIGN 

DIGNITARIES— OPENING CEREMONIES— POEM— ORATION— AMUSING SURVEY 

OF ALL DEPARTMENTS, INCIDENTS, ETC. ETC. 



DAISY SHORTCUT AND ARRY OTAGUS. 

PROFUSELY ICLUST RATED BY A. B. FROST. 






PHILADELPHIA: N — - 

CLAXTON, REMSEN & HAFFELFINGER, 

624, 626, and 628 Market Street. 

THE AMERICAN NEWS COMPANY, NEW YORK. 

1876. 

It 



i 

f 

> 

V 



A*i>\ ■ 



Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1875, by 
./ CLAXTOX, REMSEN, & HAFFELFIXGER, 
in the Office of the Librarian of Congress, at Washington. All rights reserved. 



PHILADELPHIA: 
COLLINS, PRINTER, 

705 Jayne Street. 






DEDICATION 



. After forty days and forty nights of unceasing meditation, 
we have completed this important contribution to 

AMERICAN LITERATURE. 

It was especially designed for dedication to Mrs. Victoria 
Guelph, the representative of our mother country, as a pleasing, 
though tardy equivalent for the real estate confiscated by the 
boys who ran away 

ONE HUNDRED YEARS AGO. 

But, our far-sighted Secretary of State, an official of the first 
water, has pointed out to us the impropriety of especially distin- 
guishing one, of the many countries interested in "Our Show ;" 
an action likely to give birth to those bickerings and petty 
jealousies among the nations which are so apt to lead to grave 
results. 

We desire, above all things, the general good. Under no cir- 
cumstances would we insist upon anything apt to disturb the peace 
and harmony of the world ; therefore, we select for the honor of 
a dedication, the private parties we think most deserving, 

OURSELVES. 

Daisy Shortcut respectfully dedicates his portion of this work 
to his friend and bottle-holder Arry O'Pagus, and Mr. O'Pagus 
returns the compliment, by dedicating the outpourings of his 
colossal intellect to Daisy Shortcut, and, joining hands, they sign 
themselves, 

The Purchaser's 

Most Obedient Servants. 

Parlor C, Continental Hotel, 

Philadelphia, December 1st, 1875. 



(5) 



CONTENTS. 



CHAPTER I. 

PAGE 

« THE SPARK." . . . How it all came about . 9 

CHAPTER II. 
" THE FUEL." . . . What the women did 14 

CHAPTER III. 
' THE COOKS." . . . Who fed the flames 21 

CHAPTER IY. 
' THE LOOKERS ON." . . . Who came to be warmed . . . .27 

CHAPTER V. 
' THE CRACKLING." . . . Preparations for the blaze .... 34 

CHAPTER YI. 
1 THE FIRE." . . . Who flared and how they did it 40 

CHAPTER VII. 
THE REFLECTIONS." . . . Shadows, shapes, and those who made them . 50 

CHAPTER VIII. 
THE GLOW." . . . Who helped and who enjoyed it 58 

CHAPTER IX. 
THE FLICKERING." . . . How it dimmed and how it brightened . . 66 

CHAPTER X. 
THE SMOKE." . . . How it went up 75 

(?) 



OUR SHOW. 






OUR SHOW, 



CHAPTEK I. 

THE SPAKK." . . . How it all came about. 

F the late Christopher Colum- 
bus, Esq., could have foreseen, 
as an indirect result of his 
little excursion in the spring 
of 1492, the infliction of the 
following pages upon posteri- 
ty, Mr. Columbus, very likely, 
would have stayed at home. 
Think kindly, therefore, of 
the dead ; let no blame attach 
to him. Perhaps a few re- 
marks concerning the ancient 
mariner may prove instruc- 
tive to the reader. Being 
both happy and able to im- 
part useful and interesting 
information, we cheerfully de- 
vote a paragraph to the de- 
funct navigator. 

The capitalists of our coun- 
try are familiar with Christo- 
pher, principally through a cut of that nautical gentleman which an 
artistic government has placed upon the reverse side of its five-dollar 
bills. The elevated cross in the hands of the piratical-looking monk 
kneeling beside him, has given rise to a wide-spread belief that Mr. Co- 
lumbus was a bishop or a cardinal. It is our duty to dispel this grievous 
misconception. He was simply a Brazilian sea captain, who believed 
there were two sides to every question, even to such a serious question 
as the world. Having taught Queen Isabella of Spain, who had not then 
abdicated, how to make an egg stand and drink an egg-flip, she gave him, 
under the influence of the latter, command of the steamer "May- 
flower," with permission to row out and see what he could find. He 
landed at Plymouth Eock ; discovered the city of Boston, first, by spe- 
cial request, being presented with the freedom of The Common by the 
2 (9) 




10 



CONGRESSIONAL MODESTY. 



grateful inhabitants, and welcomed 
in a neat speech by Mrs. Harriet 
Byron Stowe. 

Shortly after this, George III. of 
England commanded that all the 
male children born in the Colonies 
should be cast into the Atlantic 
ocean. He also advanced the price 
of postage stamps. These injustices 
were more than the people could 
stand; they met in Concord, and 
drove the British out of Lexington. 
This alarmed George, who imme- 
diately passed the famous "stamp 
act," and telegraphed to Benjamin 
Franklin, then postmaster at Phila- 
delphia, authorizing him to distri- 
bute free rations of postage stamps 
three times a day. But the wires 
clicked back the touching refrain — 

" Too late ! Too late ! Of all sad 
words of tongue or pen, the saddest 
are these 'too late.' 

Yours, Ben." 

Benjamin then convened a job lot 
of patriots at Philadelphia, and they 
resolved that these United States 
were, and of right ought to be, free 
and easy. Commodore John Han- 
cock, of the Schuylkill Navy, was 
chairman of the convention. On 
motion of Robert Morrissey (whose 
nephew John, late M. C. from New 
York, inherits his uncle's statesman- 
like and financial abilities), a bell 
to proclaim liberty was purchased 
for the State-House steeple. They 
practised economy in those brave 
days, and bought a cracked one, 
because they got it at half price. 
It is still in Independence Hall, a 
monument of our veracity. 

The world knows well what fol- 
lowed, and 'tis well for the world 
that it does. General Cornwallis 



finally surrendered to General Scott 
at the Germantown Intersection. 
The "Junction" depot now marks 
the spot. So, dismissing our his- 
torical reminiscences, we would re- 
spectfully request both the gentle 
and the savage reader, to imagine, 
after the manner of the modern 
drama, the lapse of one hundred 
years, ere we proceed with the 
second act. 

This century being buried in that 
popular mausoleum, the vast ocean 
of eternity, a universally expressed 
desire to celebrate the nation's cen- 
tennial birthday in a style befitting 
its present power and importance, 
gradually assumed the form of an 
International Exposition, to be held 
during six months of the year 1876. 
Philadelphia was selected as the 
site, partly on account of historical 
associations and the proprietorship 
of the cracked bell, but principally 
to gratify the inhabitants of the 
adjoining Hutch settlement, New 
York. 

Congress was naturally appealed 
to for countenance and assistance. 
Unfortunately, however, Congress, 
having bestowed all its material aid 
upon railroad and steamship subsi- 
dies, had nothing but its moral sup- 
port to offer. Having a large stock 
of this commodity, it was tendered 
with the usual modesty and circum- 
spection which marks the action of 
that body in national affairs. The 
President was authorized to invite 
the world to the Exposition — with- 
out expense to Congress. Philadel- 
phia was granted permission to hold 
the Exposition — without expense to 
Congress; each State was allowed 
the privilege of appointing a com- 
mission — without expense to Con- 



GEE UP DOBBINS! 



11 



gress; and, to be brief, the economic 
representatives of the people resolved 
that these United States might go 
in and have a good time generally — 
without expense to Congress. 

Jubilant with this encouragement, 
the State Commissioners organized 
an Executive Committee, which ap- 
pointed a Board of Finance, and 
auxiliary committees upon every- 
thing and anything, including min- 
ing, manufactures, calisthenics, art, 
science, primogeniture, horticulture, 
pisciculture, agriculture, infanticul- 
ture, and hydrostatics. City commit- 
tees were constituted. These were 
jobbed out to wards, and again sub- 
let to precincts, through which do- 
mestic juntas were established in 
every household. Thus the voice 
of the people woke the echoes of the 
capitol, and reverberated to the fur- 
thermost corners of the universe. 

The Building Committee imme- 
diately contracted with Mr. Richard 
J. Dobbins (the inventor of Dobbins' 
electric soap) for the construction of 

THE MAIN EXHIBITION HALL. 

He agreed to furnish the very first 
quality of soapstone for the masonry, 
and to use Castile only, for the 
girders. The following were the 
chief points of the contract : — 

1st. The building to form a paral- 
lelopipedon, in order to secure the 
choicest location to each exhibitor. 

2d. To be thoroughly waterproof. 
Dr. McFadden of the Aqua Fontana 
department, and several other emi- 
nent surgeons, to fill it up to the 
ceiling as a test previous to the 
opening. The contractors to take it 
back if the test proved unsatisfac- 
tory. 



3d. The walls to be of gutta per- 
cha ; to be distributed after the 
closing of the exhibition to the 
pupils of the public schools for 
chewing and erasing purposes. 

4th. A transcript to meander 
through the centre of the building, 
with a knave to right and left. Cu- 
cumber pumps of the Louis Quatorze 
pattern on the east and west detours, 
alternating with eight green cellar 
doors, to give the same effect and 
finish which marked the tout ensem- 
ble of the Vienna buildings. A 
main curricle on the right to be 
flanked by iron decades, with arched 
approaches for bipeds, tripods, and 
quadrilaterals. 

5th. The general appearance of 
the exterior to favor the Polynesian 
style, which is replete with archi- 
tectural beauties. Fac similes of 
the Tower of Babel, Tower of Lon- 
don, Leaning Tower of Pisa, and 
Tower Hall, to adorn the four cor- 
ners. The trusses and bandages sup- 
porting the roof, to be of purple and 
fine linen, with brass mountings. 
The roof itself to be perpetually 
covered with wet towels, to guard 
against sunstroke. 

6th. The centre aisle to be cov- 
ered with canton flannel matting, 
with the grass sloping up to the 
back door. Nineteen hotel candles 
to illuminate the ground floor, with 
a citrate of magnesia light in the 
attic window. 

This extraordinary structure was 
completed according to agreement, 
and upon being weighed at the cor- 
ner grocery, kicked the beam at 
1234567890 pounds, 19 shillings and 
sixpence. 

Mr. Dobbins was also entrusted 
with the erection of 



12 



MORITURI SALUTAMXJS. 



MEMOEIAL HALL. . 

This is a permanent building, so 
adapted that it may be used here- 
after as an Art Gallery or a Station- 
house. The foundation is not only 
cemented with Spalding's glue, but 
the iron posterns run through to 
China, and are tied on the other 
side with the back hair of coolies, 
de-tailed for the service through the 
courtesy of the Pekin government. 
Notwithstanding Mr. Dobbins' 
immense labors in completing these 
two buildings, he still found time 
to run over to Rome and purchase 
the Colosseum. He brought it home 
with him for the purpose of exhi- 



it grew too big for his State, he re- 
moved it to and finished it upon the 
ground it occupied. The machinery 
exhibited was worked by forty horse- 
power, and a neat stable was at- 
tached to the rear for the care and 
accommodation of the forty horses, 
the contribution of the city pas- 
senger railway companies. 

All the shaftings were of sandal 
wood, and the belting of Russia 
leather, supplied by the family of 
the Czar himself. An "hydraulic 
annex" was also tacked on to the 
building. It contained a tank 60 
by 180 feet, with 10 feet depth of 
water for fishing and bathing pur- 
poses. A portion was fenced off for 




biting Prince Bismarck and the 
Pope in gladiatorial contests during 
the exhibition months. 

The contract for 

MACHINERY HALL 

was awarded to Mr. Philip Quigley, 
of Wilmington, Delaware. When 



the preservation and display of " The 
Falls," which the hotel keepers and 
hackmen of Niagara kindly loaned 
for the occasion. The hydraulic 
rams and other live stock were 
watered here every morning, and 
at stated intervals during the day 
hydrodynamic and hydrostatic per- 
formances were given in the tank 



A COMPLIMENT TO SAPPHO. 



13 



by the pupils of the " Girls' Normal 
School." The former were very 
unique. 

The consideration for the con- 
struction of this building, as per Com- 
missioners' report, was $542,300, in- 
cluding drainage, water-pipe, plumb- 
ing, and silver-plated door knobs, 
but exclusive of interior white- 
washing. This, however, was per- 
formed gratuitously by Professor 
Johnson of the African Commission. 

Mr. John Eice, a healthful and 
nutritious builder, was selected to 
erect the beautiful 

HOKTICULTUKAL HALL, 

which remains a permanent orna- 
ment to our park, and an attractive 
target for the shots of the young 
idea visiting the locality. The im- 
mense expanse of glass will doubt- 
less provide innocent amusement to 
many generations of young Ame- 
rica. May they ever appreciate the 
kind consideration which placed the 
building convenient to a line of soft 
rocks, supplying ready-made bould- 
ers of all sizes. We believe, how- 
ever, that the building is taken in 
at nights ; we know its visitors are 
taken in during the day. Some 
idea of its vastness may be given by 
stating that more tlian 7000 acres of 
land are situated around it. 



AGKICULTURAL HALL, 

being of papier mache, inlaid with 
mother-in-law of pearl, was cut out 
by steam, and work was not com- 
menced upon it until September, 
1875. The pens for live stock ad- 
joining the building were of steel 
(a favorite material in public edi- 



fices), and were a part of the con- 
tract. They were fashioned after 
the manner of the famous floating 
palace, "Adelaide Neilson," of the 
Noah family. The plans were fur- 
nished by the Shemitic commission 
from rough drafts now in possession 
of the descendants of Admiral Noah. 

At a late date the 

UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT 

decided to erect a few buildings, in- 
cluding a hospital. They thought 
the latter might come handy in 
Washington after the exhibition, for 
resigning officials. When we first 
learned that the United States had 
obtained 100,000 feet for their build- 
ings, we thought it another display 
of persevering frugality. We im- 
agined they desired to save a hard- 
ware bill by using the nails accom- 
panying the material. We dis- 
covered that the feet merely meant 
the ground for the buildings to stand 
on. 

As the Grecian government had 
expressed itself too poor to take part 
in the Exposition, Mr. Windrim, the 
architect, was instructed to design 
these buildings in the shape of a 
Greek cross. Through this delicate 
compliment, the land where Sappho 
lived and sung, was represented after 
all. 

These, with the offices for mana- 
gers, gas men, stage carpenters, etc. 
etc., and some national, state, and 
special buildings, which may claim 
our attention further on, complete 
the list of structures erected upon 
the Centennial grounds for exhibi- 
tion purposes. Men of all nation- 
alities vied for the privilege of 
taking part in the glorious work. 



14 



LOVELY WOMAN. 



The Teuton and Celt underbid the 
native American ; the co-patriots of 
Garibaldi did still better, only to be 
put to shame in their turn by a Chi- 
nese colony. Ignoring all natural 



partiality and national prejudice, the 
contractors, in a spirit of true re- 
publicanism, gave the most work to 
those who labored for the least 
money. 



CHAPTER II. 

THE FUEL." . , . What the women did. 

ATURE always provides for 
emergencies. The world re- 
quired steamboats and loco- 
motives, and, lo ! a Fulton and 
a Stephenson appeared to sup- 
ply the demand. ' We craved 
a means of rapid intercommu- 
nication, and Mr. Morse sat 
down and invented his tele- 
graph. We experienced a 
soaring desire to sail through 
the air, and George Francis 
Train stepped forward to in- 
flate oar balloons. So, when 
a lady competent to organize 
and superintend the workings 
of her sisters, became requi- 
site to the success of the Cen- 
tennial project, nature did not 
desert us. Uprose, as the poet 
sweetly remarks, 

" A perfect woman, nobly planned 
To boss an army or a peanut stand," 

and grasping the banner, Mrs. Emma D. E. N. Gillespie became the special 
partner of the Board of Finance. 

Were we about writing a work in twenty quarto volumes, the kind 
we have been in the habit of producing, we might faintly hope to do 
justice to the prodigies accomplished by the noble women of America, and 
especially by our own Philadelphia ladies. What we do write, how- 
ever, is the result of personal observation. Blessed with female rela- 
tives in esse and in posse, who have been active members of ward com- 
mittees since the first trumpet tone, we write advisedly; having been 




"XOT WISELY BUT TOO WELL.' 



15 



snubbed, sacrificed, and made second- 
ary to centennial enthusiasm for 
three long years, we write with a 
proper appreciation of the solemn 
duty in hand. 

The dear creatures travelled up 
to the State-House steeple; they 
glanced around upon the situation; 
they rolled up their sleeves, meta- 
phorically, and swooped down upon 
the city. They canvassed stores and 
factories from turret to foundation 
stone ; they invaded dingy counting- 
houses, and sauntered like sunbeams 
into dusty offices, collecting subscrip- 
tions to centennial stock, peddling 
centennial medals, and doing irrepa- 
rable damage to the peace of simper- 
ing clerks, blushing salesmen, and 
susceptible employers. A single case 
will serve for illustration. Listen 
to the story of 

A POOR YOUNG MAN. 




He was an innocent youth, under- 
going initiation into the mysteries 
of compounding and weighing out 
sugars, teas, and spices at a West- 
End grocery. A Spruce Street dam- 
sel did the cruel deed. She visited 
the establishment several times in 
reference to some shares of stock, 
and her passing glance sank into his 
soul. His deep, poetic nature de- 



manded an outlet for the sacred fire. 
^Etna will burst; Vesuvius will ex- 
plode. JEtna and Vesuvius were 
but parlor matches compared to him. 
The evening succeeding the lady's 
third visit to the grocery, a package, 
neatly done up in brown paper, was 
left at her residence by a youth who 
vanished upon the instant. The 
lady untied the bundle, and discov- 
ered an A. No. 1 salted codfish. The 
following lines, on pink initial note 
(slightly greased), were fastened to 
its tail by a blue ribbon: — 

" My love is boundless as the ocean, 
Deep as its waters my devotion. 

This cod, sweet maid, is salt — 
Salt is the ocean too ; 
By logical analogy, therefore, this fish will 
prove 
Type of my love for you." 

Next evening, about the same 
time, another package arrived, with 
another poetic sentiment in the same 
handwriting : — 

" I send a can of salmon soused, 
'Tis sweetness in the sour ; 
O, would your smile the salmon was, 
In my forlorn soused hour !" 

The lady was somewhat puzzled, 
though gratified. Her father was 
somewhat puzzled, though not grati- 
fied. Their quandary was not less- 
ened upon receiving a third delicate 
present the next evening. 

11 1 offer my love two pounds of chipped beef, 
'Twill be nice for her breakfast or sup ; 
the love in my heart 's not at all like the 
beef — 
For, sweet maid, that can never dry up!" 

"Can't never dry up, eh?" said 
the old man the following evening, 
as he pulled on his thickest boots, 
and took up a commanding position 
on the front-door step. " Can't never 
dry up, eh? — we'll see." 



16 



ROMEO AND JULIET— TOAST AND TEA. 



But the mysterious messenger 
flanked him by ringing at the back 
gate. 

" Sweet maid, sweet maid, pray accept 
This jar of pickled onions ; 
They'll tell thee of the tears I've wept, 
And sighs vent by the ton-ions. 

They're round, too, like the planet Earth ; 

Like earth, my love 's complete ; 
May this to sweetest thoughts give birth, 

When of them you shall eat." 

Another evening came; the old 
gentleman was again upon the step ; 
the family butcher was sauntering 
carelessly by the back gate. Alas! 
in place of the youth, 'twas the 
grocer himself who called. The 
butcher did not know him ; he obey- 
ed instructions. On the day of the 
unfortunate man's funeral these lines 
were read; they were tound in his 
pocket, and explain the cause of his 
inopportune visit : — 

" Sweet maid, sweet maid, I had a clerk, 
A taking youth was he ; 
I've sent him up to Cherry Hill, 
The bill — I bring to thee." 

We will dwell no longer upon this 
mournful episode, but return to our 
main subject. 

The ladies of the various ward 
committees did not confine their 
efforts to canvassing. They worked 
afghans that nobody wanted, and 
slippers that nobody could use; pur- 
chased desks that wouldn't open, 
and pocket-books that wouldn't 
shut, and raffled them off at prices 
as fancy as the goods themselves. 
They appeared in amateur theatri- 
cals and variety shows. Every ward 
had its Romeo and its Juliet ; every 
precinct its Lady Macbeth and Wel- 
lington De Boots. Their acting was 
wonderful and awe-inspiring. Au- 



diences gazed upon them in public 
with, dumb amaze, and wept in pri- 
vate, they knew not why. People 
began to look upon tickets for ama- 
teur performances as Japanese offi- 
cials regard a polite invitation to 
"Hari Kari." Call-boys and scene- 
shifters at regular theatres set up 
for luminaries. The demoralization 
of the drama was complete. 

But all these things were mere 
side dishes, to be mentioned inci- 
dentally in connection with the 
combined efforts, viz.: — 

" The Great National Tea Party," 

" The Greater International Tea 
Party," and 

"The Greatest Patent Loan Office 
Exhibition." 

It is with a feeling of profound 
diffidence that we allude to them. 



THE NATIONAL OK MAETHA 
WASHINGTON TEA PARTY. 

Under the supervision of their re- 
vered sovereign and her executive 
star chamber cabinet, the ladies 
transformed the Academy of Music 
and Horticultural Hall into one 
grand coffee house and sandwich 
caravansary. To save the expense 
of attendants, the aids themselves 
dispensed tea and coffee, smiles and 
gingerbread, bewitching glances and 
ham sandwiches to the thousands 
crowding the vast saloons. They at- 
tired themselves in old-time fashion 
to look like so many Mrs. Washing- 
tons. Many a family cheerfully 
sacrificed its furniture covers to ar- 
ray its daughters in the style of cos- 
tume made sacred by Martha. They 
stuck little blotches of black court 
plaster upon their chins, cheeks, and 
the tips of their noses, to imitate 



THIERS ON MOONSHINE. 



17 



her venerated pimples, and dipped 
their heads into the family flour 
barrel to make their hair look like 
to hers. 

Each ward represented one of the 
States of our Union, and the rivalry 
between their tables, though good- 
natured, was intense. At one table 
they sold tea made in Martha's china 
tea pot ; at another table they dis- 
pensed slices from a pie having its 
edges scalloped by her false teeth ; 
while a third overtopped all compe- 
tition and did an immense business, 
regaling customers with sausage 
manufactured from the remains of 
her pet poodle. The aids who dealt 
out this luxury seemed conscious of 
the sacred trust. Tears of patriotism 
dimmed the lustre of their lovely eyes. 

They sold nosegays at the price of 
small conservatories, but pinned 
them on coat lappels without extra 
charge. They did more. With 
apparent cheerfulness, they accom- 
panied male friends to the hall be- 
low, where the band played, and 
with them hopped and skipped, and 
glided and dipped, as if they were 
really enjoying themselves, and not 
sacrificing: comfort to love of coun- 
try. 

The pecuniary result of this affair 
was most gratifying. The Finance 
Committee kindly acknowledged 
this fact to its special partner, re- 
questing her to do so some more and 
keep the ball rolling. Yet still 
its grandeur was eclipsed, totally 
eclipsed, by the next great effort. 

THE INTERNATIONAL TEA 
PARTY. 

Between the two tea drinkings, 
however, a Fete Champetre was held 



at Belmont, near the Centennial 
grounds. We wrote to France, 
Mrs. Gillespie's native land, to find 
out what a fete champetre meant. 
Our respected friend Thiers replied. 
"You go out," he wrote, "to some 
nice quiet spot. In the evening you 
hang a few lanterns on the trees, and 
leaving the other folks to dance, you 
yourself wander off with some 'nearer 
and dearer one yet than all others,' 
to explore the surrounding country, 
its shadowed nooks and moonlit 
glens." Of course we went. But 
somehow everybody else was leaving 
the others to dance and seeking 
moonshine. Never before was there 
such a demand for nooks and glens 
since nooks and glens were first in- 
vented. 

The fete was a perfect success as 
far as moonshine was concerned, but 
not pecuniarily. The caterer of the 
evening is wearing away his days 
in an insane asylum. Who cares 
for Champagne when they can have 
nearer and dearer ones? Who cares 
for lobster salad when they can have 
nooks and glens ? 

A second tea party, to retrieve the 
reputation of the cabinet, was de- 
cided upon. This time, however, 
instead of representing only our 
States, all the nations of the earth 
were to be typified. 

"No pent up Utica contracts our powers ; 

The world's four boundless continents are 

ours. 

Emma R." 

were the suggestive lines with which 
"General orders 197" terminated. 

The aids appeared in the costumes 
which long theatrical usage has es- 
tablished as nationally characteristic. 
For three successive evenings, a thing 
of beauty and a joy for Emma en- 



18 



YE MIGHTY ALPS. 



chanted and astounded throngs of 
visitors, and would have been con- 
tinued longer had not everybody 
unfortunately run out of small 
change. 

Each table was adorned by what 
the ladies fondly believed to be an 
unmistakable designating peculiar- 
ity. One ward went into business 
with a few yards of glazed paper 
and a Noah's Ark, and reared up 
the mighty Alps. Shem, Ham, and 
Japhet stared blankly into futurity 
from the storied peaks; old Noah 
and his wife looked around in a be- 
wildered manner as though wonder- 
ing what the genesis they were doing 
in that locality, while their sheep, 
goats, cows, elephants, tigers, croco- 
diles, and whales jumped indiscrimi- 
nately from crag to crag. 



by variegated cat skins. He was a 
little lop-sided, but didn't seem to 
mind it. He stood serenely upon a 
looking glass glacier, with tail erect, 
and the Russian flag between his 
teeth. The 8th ward (Republic of 
Lima) made a splendid display of 
Lima beans, boiled and in soup. The 
aids were not afraid to say " beans" 
to anybody. 

But the 21st ward (Isle of Man) 
carried off the prize. This com- 
mittee had secured, at enormous 
expense, a live specimen of the 
native. He was quite docile and 
harmless ; yellow whiskers, and wore, 
eye-glasses. This table was the 
Mecca to which all the aids flocked 
when off duty. 

Talk about your heroines of revo- 
lutionary times ! Bah ! Do you sup- 




An odor of Swiss cheese, from the 
sandwiches, made the illusion per- 
fect. 

The ladies of another ward had 
ingeniously built a polar bear with 
an inner structure of rags covered 



pose that Moll Pitcher would have 
donned striped leggings, a gauze 
flounce, and a sash around the shoul- 
ders, and wandered around like the 
Amazons in the " Black Crook," as 
did Mrs. Yowl of the 20th ward? 



A LOAN— AND FROM HOME. 



19 



Would Mrs. John Adams, the wife 
and mother of presidents, pattern of 
patriotism as she was — would she 
have put on spangled hreeehes and a 
turban of red, green, and yellow with 
a turkey's feather in front, and 
trotted up and down the Foyer of 
the Academy with a bucket of 
lemon peel and water, calling it 
" sherbet," and pretending not to 
notice the excruciating look which 
distorted the countenances of the 
unfortunates inveigled into investing 
in a glass and then feeling compelled 
to empty it? To these questions 
there can be but one response. You 
shall make it. 

The result of this festival was 
also satisfactory to the Finance 
Committee and to all concerned. 
The ladies were encouraged to re- 
newed efforts. They racked their 
brains searching for a novel idea, 
and when did women rack in vain ? 
They invented a style of exhibition 
which produced an effect such as 
the world had not witnessed since 
the Israelites' emptied out Egypt. 
The war trump sounded : " Gil- 
lespie" was the cry. Special orders 
774 were promulgated, and that 
stupendous conception 

THE PATENT LOAN OFFICE 
EXHIBITION 

Astonished and frightened the land. 

Everything was to be borrowed ; 
nothing bought and still less paid 
for. The idea was attractive. A 
wide field was opened for feminine 
ingenuity. Each aid immediately 
locked her own umbrella carefully 
away, and called upon her friends 
when the weather was cloudy. 

The Franciscan Monastery, on Rit- 



tenhouse Square, was the largest 
article loaned to the Committee, 
they having declined the offer of a 
Frankford brickyard ; and in this 




building the exhibition was held. 
Three beautiful gilded balls were ex- 
tended from the attic window, and on 
them the neighboring residents gazed 
in silent rapture. A great demand 
was created for articles one hundred 
years old and upwards. Old pots, 
pans, and dishes were suddenly 
endowed with incalculable value. 
We ourselves worked industriously 
to produce relics. Our aforemen- 
tioned relations in esse and in posse, 
acknowledged the loan of an old 
brick into which we had pounded 
a new bullet, with a fervor which 
more than repaid our disinterested 
patriotism. . The sweet smile and 
kindly glance with which they ac- 
cepted a pair of old army breeches, 
which we had purchased for seventy 
cents and riddled with augur holes, 
haunts us still. Nay, when we at- 
tended the exhibition, and saw an 
old lady reverently kiss a yellow 
handkerchief, which we had bor- 
rowed from an hostler of our ac- 
quaintance, and labelled " Lafay- 
ette," we retired to a side apartment 
and wept tears of joy. We had af- 



20 



GEORGE'S INDIVIDUAL CONTRIBUTION. 



forded that old lady a gratifying 
reminiscence for the remainder of 
her existence. 

The Washington family came out 
particularly strong. In a pavilion in 
the garden, seventeen aged females 
were seated. They had nursed little 
George in his baby days. With 
undisguised emotion they exhibited 
21 cradles, 66 gum rings, 423 
hatchets, and half a bottle of sooth- 
ing syrup, all of which, they assert- 
ed, had been the property of the 
father of his country during his in- 
fantile years. They also possessed 
among them an aggregate of 34,621 
buttons, which they had purloined 
at different times from the dear 
child's vestment. 

This was considered as George's 
individual contribution. 

The remainder of the family were 
not behindhand. They sent a few 
of their plates, spoons, forks, ladles, 
etc. ; not many, only about enough 
to start a first-class hotel. As for 
family Bibles, they must have had a 
sufficient quantity to have allowed 
each member of the family a new 
one every day of the week and two 
on Sundays. There were chairs 
and sofas enough to seat the entire 
continental army, and about five 
wagon loads of miscellaneous furni- 
ture and chattels. Heavens, what 
an establishment those Washingtons 
must have kept ! 

It would be useless to attempt an 
enumeration of the wonders on hand 



and made to order for this occasion. 
Suffice it to say the ladies borrowed 
everything they could borrow, and 
what they couldn't borrow they — 
didn't have. 

Two rooms were set apart for 
broken and unbroken china, which 
(again in compliment to Mrs. Gilles- 
pie's native tongue) were called 
Brie a brae apartments. 

The exhibition was open to the 
public for six weeks with a table 
d la carte in the dining-room. The 
net profit was close on to seventy- 
five dollars. 

And after all this work, after 
obtaining from them all these 
ducats, what did the centennial 
magnates say to the ladies ? 

" Ladies," said they, " we have 
taken your money ; we have urged 
you to labor; we have induced 
you, in the person of our special 
partner, to travel to sister cities 
to persuade the daughters of our 
land to make a proper exhibition 
of their importance and standing in 
this home of equal rights ; but, ah, 
unfortunately, we shall not be able 
to allow you any space in our 
buildings ; the old women of China, 
the aged females of Timbuctoo claim 
it, and if you want to display that 
standing and importance we have 
mentioned, why — ah — here are plans 
for a building; take them, get up 
a side show for yourselves, pay for 
it yourselves, and be — happy." 



CHAPTER III 



THE cooks; 



Who fed the flames. 



UR, record would be incomplete 
if we failed to insert a few briei 
biographical sketches of some of 
the personages prominently con- 
nected with the conduct of the 
Centennial celebration. We re- 
gret being obliged to limit the 
list to a very few of the many 
deserving of the honor. The 
facts which we relate in regard 
to them, have been industriously 
gathered from many sources 
probably unknown even to the 
parties themselves. Should we 
succeed in awakening one soul 
to pure aspiring action — should 
we be the means of placing one 
pair of feet into those " footprints 

on the sands of time" which lead to honored greatness — our labor has not 

been in vain. 




GENERAL JOSEPH NAPOLEON HAWLET, 

the President of the Centennial Commission, was born principally in the 
State of Rhode Island, but grew so rapidly that his parents soon found it 
necessary to have him hauled over entirely into Connecticut. Here he 
flourished and grew fat among the healthy wooden nutmeg groves. He 
early displayed unmistakable evidences of genius. At the age of seven, 
he invented a tin lightning rod, and a schoolboy's improved blowpipe of 
the same material. For this latter, his teachers passed him a vote of thanks 
through the medium of a ruler, and graduated him from the scholastic 
establishment. Shortly afterwards he originated the business of manu- 
facturing paper shell almonds, but sold out advantageously to a near- 
sighted relative and entered the Artillery school at Brienne, from whence 
he soon meandered to the military academy at Paris. He instituted the 
u legion of honor," won the battles of Marengo, Jena, Austerlitz, Eylau, 
"Wagram, and some few others, and then retired to the monastery at St. 
Helena. Here he took the veil and several other articles, and leaving, one 

(21) 



99 



OH REST US. 



cloudy night, worked his passage to 
London. At this metropolis he 
mixed freely with the heads of the 
nobility, opening a hat store and 
being appointed "hatter extraordi- 
nary" to the Queen. He pined, how- 
ever, for the breezes of his native 
land, and when Columbia called 
upon her sons to lend a hand to the 
Centennial structure, he returned to 
America and was elected President 
of the commission. 

His bravery and prowess are 
equalled only by his genial nature 
and the style of his moustache and 
imperial. Of him the poet Horace 
(Greeley) has said, 

" Though always ready to smile with a friend, 
He never was known to re-treat." 

Some of his enemies recently nomi- 
nated him for Congress. Their sinis- 
ter designs failed, however, and he 
will happily remain for some time 
longer an ornament to society and 
a credit to his country. 

THE HON. ORESTUS CLEVELAND, 

Vice President of the commission, 
was born, when quite an infant, in 
the State of Ohio. He gave such 
promise of future greatness that his 
native city was named after him. 

He was the eighteenth child of 
his parents, and was, therefore, called 
Orestus. The name was suggested 
by the friends who had been acting 
as godparents for the family. He 
must not be confounded with the 
Orestes who murdered his ma and 
was afterwards killed by the bite of 
an Arcadian serpent; he is quite a 
different sort of an Orestes. 

Through life he has been noted 
for his culture and refinement. 



These qualities he owes to his father's 
care. The old gentleman made a 
point of polishing him off regularly 
twice a week during his youth. 

He always displayed a remarkable 
fondness for school. He could often 
be found there an hour after all the 
rest of the pupils had gone home. 
His teacher was especially fond of 
him. "Frequently," said she to us, 
with tears in her eyes, " frequently 
did I lay him across my knee to 
more readily display the affection 
with which I regarded him." 

"When he was not' at school he 
was engaged in the noble work of 
repairing and paying for the win- 
dow panes his companions had 
smashed; in replacing fruit upon 
the trees from which they had stolen 
it, and in going to church and pray- 
ing for their regeneration. 

His manners always continued en- 
gaging. Unimpressible police ofli- 
cers have been known to form an 
attachment for him, the more re- 
markable as he never encouraged 
their sociability. 

After essaying many learned pro- 
fessions, he finally concluded that 
his forte lay in the profession of being 
a rich man. He bought a farm near 
Camden, planted Kelley's patent in- 
flation bill, and raised money in that 
primitive fashion. After passing 
the meridian of life in honor and 
righteousness, the devil put evil 
thoughts in his mind, and he em- 
braced the legal profession, to which 
he is still united. 

His front elevation is very impos- 
ing. His face is somewhat in the 
Corregio style, with Roman nasal 
appendage and Grecian earwings, 
doing much credit to the architect 
who designed him. He is finished 



CENTENNIAL MYTHOLOGY. 



23 



with a double action expanding 
eli est, with corrugated windpipes, 
and he stands on two seventeen inch 
pedestals cased in patent leather. 
He was on exhibition during the 
entire continuance of the exposition. 

Of the early days of 

MRS. EMMA D. E. N. GILLESPIE, 

but little is accurately known. 
Though historians agree upon essen- 
tial points, there are many of those 
conflicting side issues which always 
arise from a multiplicity of tradi- 
tions. We know, however, that at her 
birth she was taken under the espe- 
cial patronage of the Fairy "Book- 
otheopera," who endowed her with 
all the virtues in that fairy's reper- 
fo£>e,and presented her with a beauti- 
ful purple pincushion with 

" Wckmnf, fittU 9 timqtv," 

blazing in the brass heads of the 
pins which it contained. It is still 
in her possession. 

She has performed many note- 
worthy deeds in addition to those 
connected with the Centennial. 'Tis 
true, she never fooled w T ith asps or 
indulged in pearl cock-tails like 
Cleopatra ; nor did she act as a spy 
during the war like Major Charlotte 
Cushman, but her quarrel with Nep- 
tune concerning the right of giving 
a name to Cecropia (Horat. 1, od. 16), 
deserves as much attention as either 
of the above performances. 

The inhabitants of Taurica offer 
upon her altars all the strangers 
wrecked upon their coasts as a mark 
of their appreciation of her efforts 
in establishing the American line of 
steamers (Apollod. 1, c. 4, etc.), and 
though her resentment against Paris 



(the son of Mr. Priam) was un- 
doubtedly the cause of the Trojan 
war, yet the myrtle and the dove 
have ever been considered her most 
sacred emblems. Her ride upon the 
white bull is as famous as Sheridan's 
ride to West Chester, and her pa- 
tronage has been so extensively 
claimed by artists of all sorts, espe- 
cially such as painters, carpenters, 
white-washers, and tea importers, 
that the poets have had occasion to 
say— 

" Tu nihil invito, dices, faciesve Mrs. Gil- 
lespiebus." 

To her, more than to any one other 
individual, is the success of the cele- 
bration due. We have remarked 
her executive ability, and the man- 
ner in which she directed the 
nymphs of her train, and it is our 
candid opinion, that nobody could 
have been found or invented, to fill 
more perfectly a position involving 
so much annoyance, so much mental 
and physical labor, so many petty 
anxieties, and so comparatively little 
general appreciation. There are 
some debts which cannot be paid. 
We put that owing to her upon the 
list. 

GOVERNOR BIGLER, 

the Financial Agent of the Execu- 
tive Committee, passed his early 
youth among the vine-clad hills of 
Bucks County. He was brought up 
a sturdy farmer's lad. Day after 
day, in the hot sun of noon, he stood 
erect in the centre of the cornfield, 
the terror of the devastating crow. 
He was not called "governor" at 
his birth ; his name is William ; the 
former title he acquired later in life 
when he married a governess. 



24 



SWEET WILLIAM. 



Willie was very popular in the 
country school which he attended 
during the winter evenings. Upon 
several occasions his master bestowed 
a cane upon him, which token of de- 
sert he received with a few powerful 
and eloquent remarks and tears in 
his eyes. 

His nature was always affection- 
ate. He would never visit a young 
lady the second time unless he could 
kiss her "good-bye" the first time 
he called. 

Artless to a fault, he never knew 
the use of wigs until after he mar- 
ried, and it is said that he never ac- 
quired his second teeth until a few 
years back. — He couldn't have got 
them then if he hadn't paid fifty 
dollars for them. 

Despite his gentle nature, how- 
ever, his physical strength is im- 
mense. His prowess in the amphi- 
theatre, his speech to his brother 
gladiators at Capua, and the able 
manner in which he defended the 
wire bridge against Mr. Porsena, of 
Andalusia, are favorite themes with 
every American school-boy. 

After the revolution he had his 
sword cut down into a set of shoe- 
maker's tools, and followed the cob- 
bler's peaceful pursuit, until the 
Centennial committee demanded his 
time and services. For this he gave 
up everything. He cheerfully im- 
mured himself for a time in the St. 
Nicholas Hotel, New York, living 
on rye bread and wheat whiskey, 
and enduring all sorts of hardships in 
his endeavors to collect subscriptions 
from the Dutchmen of Manhattan. 
He came home, however, in time to 
tack the roof on the main building. 

Should he again take to mercan- 
tile life in our midst, we cordially 



recommend him to our friends for 
"invisible patches." His name will 
ever be high upon the list of the 
best beloved sons of the Keystone 
State. 

As 
ME. DANIEL J. MOKKELL, 

the Chairman of the Executive Com- 
mittee, was changed while an infant 
in his cradle, and the child of his 
nurse substituted for him in order to 
obtain possession of the chateau and 
estates, we were not thoroughly sat- 
isfied that he was entitled to any 
biography. We called upon him to 
ascertain what he knew about him- 
self, and were disappointed to find 
that he was not very well up upon 
the subject. 

We found him a man of fine ap- 
pearance. He has the eye of a hawk, 
the nose of an eagle, the hair of a 
raven, and the cheek of a Colossus 
of Rhodes — with which he expects 
some day to start a museum. We 
informed him why we had called, 
and at once commenced a list of 
questions which we had taken the 
precaution to prepare. 

"As a youth, sir, were you gentle, 
with a sweet disposition ?" 

"A sugar refinery, gentlemen, 
wasn't a circumstance to me." 

w W'ere you always gay and cheer- 
ful and generous beyond measure ?" 

"I was." 

" Were you ever in love ?" 

"I decline to criminate myself." 

" Well, Schiller loved once, Goethe 
many times, which do you consider 
the most natural ?" 

" The latter, decidedly." 

" Were you ever jealous ?" 

" Once." 



A SECOND DANIEL COME TO JUDGMENT. 



25 



" How did you act towards the 
cause of this feeling ?" 

" Smothered her with a pillow." 

" Oh, then, you could be a 
Othello?" 

" I could be twenty Othellos ; but, 
gentlemen, as this style of pro- 
cedure is evidently fatiguing to you, 
suppose I relate my story without 
questioning, eh? James, a bottle 
of champagne and a box of those 
victorias for the gentlemen. 

" I was born," he continued, " on 
the Island of Borneo. My mother 
was a decendant of the noble Italian 
family of McLaughlini ; my father 
was also of noble birth ; he never 
walked afoot ; he always drove a car- 
riage — for the man who owned it. 
Cast upon the world at a tender age, 
I went to England and took up my 
residence on Hounslow Heath — 
maybe you've heard of the place. 
Always of a playful disposition, I 
invented a pretty little game called 
'Your money or your life,' which 



I taught to all the lonely travellers 
who passed my neighborhood, to 
cheer them on their way. They 
generally used to leave me their 
pocket books, watches, and what- 
ever valuables they had about them, 
so gratified were they with my at- 
tention. The Royal Family soon 
heard of me and despatched a regi- 
ment of guards to conduct me to 
London. Naturally modest, I en- 
deavored to avoid this distinction, 
shunning a meeting with the depu- 
tation as long as I possibly could. 
At last I found myself compelled, 
as it were, to accompany the party. 
I was conducted to a grand stone 
building of immense proportions 
and solidity of design, in which, 
apartments had been prepared for 
me. From thence I was introduced 
at Court, and, upon the suggestion 
of the Lord Chief Justice of Eng- 
land, the apartments in the granite 
building were placed at my disposal 
for six months, after which time he 



f-\ ft 







i|tA^/X-^— - 



11 Your Money or Your Life." 



26 



THE RIGHT MAN. 



desired me, in the name of the gov- 
ernment, to address a public meeting 
of citizens and officials from a raised 
platform, in Newgate Yard, hinting 
that the address would be followed 
by my immediate elevation to a 
high position. My sensitive nature 
shrunk from this display. Not 
wishing, however, to offend the 
gentlemen delegated to attend me, 
I remained quiet as to my plans for 
avoiding it until the opportunity I 
waited for offered. Then, weaving 
my bed clothing into a rope, I let 
myself down through the chimney 
and hurried home to America, with- 
out saying adieu to them. They 
were sorry to lose me, and offered 
quite a large reward for my return 
if living, or my body, if dead, de- 
signing, no doubt, in the latter case, 
to give me a grand funeral. But I 
have ever preferred a quiet private 
life to the elevation they tendered 
me. That is all, gentlemen." 

"We are obliged to you, Daniel; 
good morning." 

" Good morning : but recollect, 
gentlemen, I am entered according 
to the Act of Congress, in the 
Eastern District of Pennsylvania, 
and any infringement will be pun- 
ished according to law ; you under- 
stand? Good morning." 

THE HON. ALFRED TIMOTHY 
GOSHORN, 

Director General of the Exposition, 
was born in the State of New Jersey. 
This was, however, without collu- 
sion upon his part, and no one more 
sincerely regrets the circumstance 
than himself. His father cruised 
about the Spanish main, from Bur- 
lington to Gloucester. Some folks 



called him a free-booter; he was 
only this, however, when young 
Alfred misbehaved himself or the 
tide ran the wrong way. Our hero 
was a very promising lad. He was 
ever ready to promise anything. He 
was of a domestic turn of mind and 
could generally be found in the 
vicinity of the kitchen, especially 
when cakes and pies were in process 
of preparation. After a course of 
studies at Yale, Harvard, Princeton, 
and Cornell, his parents transferred 
him to a public school to acquire 
the arts of reading and writing and 
the rudiments of arithmetic. 

Early in life he joined the temper- 
ance movement, but resigned when 
he grew too big to parade with the 
cadets. He adopted the profession 
of the law, and rose as rapidly as 
a schoolmaster from a tack-lined 
chair. He was appointed minister 
to the court of St. James. He 
preached there until the Saint 
moved out of the court, and he 
then took entire charge of the 
Crystal Palace Exhibition of '44, 
after which he swam across the 
Hellespont and returned to Phila- 
delphia. 

An aunt in Cincinnati died and 
left him a large pork sausage manu- 
factory. After entering into a con- 
tract with the Philadelphia dog- 
catchers, he moved West to take 
possession of, and run the mill. He 
assumed a leading position in the 
city's trade, was made president 
of the Commercial Exchange, and 
in this capacity was selected as 
director of the Cincinnati Indus- 
trial Exhibition. 

This double experience made him 
of course the most available citizen 
to take charge of the Centennial 



WELL DONE, OH RARE OFFICIALS! 



27 



Celebration. The manner in which 
he performed the arduous duties of 
the office, and their effect upon his 
once robust constitution, may be 
conceived if the reader will but 
glance at Gutekunst's latest photo- 
graph of Timothy, which may be 
found, full length, upon the back 
cover of this volume. He is going 
into the sausage business again to 
recuperate. 



Taken altogether and without 
exception, we may feel justly proud 
of our countrymen and women who 
labored so faithfully for the honor 
of our common nationality. We 
trust our country may be as blessed 
in noble hearts, generous souls and 
gifted minds, at her next Centennial 
Anniversary, and that we may all 
be here to meet them. 



CHAPTEE XV 



"THE LOOKERS ON." 



Who came to be warmed. 



AELY in 1876 the actual hard 
work of the Commissioners began. 
During the months of February, 
March, and April, they were kept 
busy day and night, receiving, 
sorting, and arranging the goods 
forwarded for exhibition. The 
Adams Express Company ran its 
wagons directly up to the back 
door of the buildings, but as usual 
left all the packages on the side- 
walk. It was a goodly, a grandly 
beautiful sight, to behold the Di- 
rector General carrying huge 
packing boxes upon his shoulders 
while the dew of honest toil 
coursed adown his noble brow, or to look upon the great Orestes heaving 
bags and bundles to Willie Bigler, who stood in the doorway and caught 
them on the fly. The boys of the District Telegraph Company stood 
around watching the exhilarating sight, only finding tongue in their 
admiring wonder to encourage the gentlemen with kind remarks and 
well-meant advice. Many Foreign Commissioners were also on hand 
during this time. To look upon their varied costumes was suggestive of 
the grand army in a spectacular drama, with the managers short of uni- 
forms ; to listen to their varied tongues was suggestive of the building or 
Babel's tower. 




28 



LODGINGS FOR SINGLE GENTLEMEN. 



The daily travel to the Park and 
the vicinity of the buildings was im- 
mense. Thousands hurried thither 
regularly to see what they could 
pick up. Broken china, Japan ware, 
German silver, French glass, half 
Spanish cigars — nothing came amiss. 

The Market Street Passenger Rail- 
way Company reduced fares to five 
cents to catch the hulk of the traffic. 
Next day the Chestnut and Walnut 
Street line lowered their rates to four 
cents, carrying bundles free and no 
questions asked. The Race and Vine 
Street Company, appreciating the 
situation, carried passengers for three 
cents, presenting each one with a 
chromo of the Bridge across the 
Delaware. This was but the begin- 
ning of the famous tramway war, 
which continued with variations 
during the entire Exposition. Be- 
fore its close the Market Street line 
was paying passengers seven cents 
apiece to ride with them, while the 
newly established "People's Line" 
presented each patron with four 
shares of stock and a night's lodg- 
ing in their spacious depot. 

But the city, ah, the city! It 
really seemed as if everybody who 
proposed attending the Exposition 
had resolved to be present at its 
opening. Every nook and corner, 
highway and byway, where a tired 
stranger could rest his wearied head, 
was engaged, taken up, appropriated ; 
and those dilatory ones who delayed 
securing accommodations (notably 
some of the most distinguished 
guests) were obliged to pay the 
penalty of their procrastination. 

Imagine it to* be the month of 
May. According to> a popular fal- 
lacy this is the month of flowers and 
gentle zephyrs ; according to Jayne's 



almanac it is a first-rate time to take 
one of his excellent remedies for in- 
vigorating the system. 

On the tenth day of this month 
the Exposition is to be opened. The 
city has cut entirely loose from its 
Quaker traditions. It is clad in 
banners, flags, garlands, arches, and 
emblems. Many private residences 
are painted to represent the Ameri- 
can flag ; numerous clothes-lines offer 
to the breezes various shaped stream- 
ers of red, white, blue, and orange- 
colored flannel. All the lamp-posts 
have been silver-plated; every tele- 
graph pole has been varnished ; every 
wire enamelled. For weeks the in- 
habitants have not gone to bed. An 
ingenious invention in the shape of 
an inflatable pocket-pillow enables 
them to take standing naps against 
walls, buildings, and fire-plugs. 

The guns at the Navy Yard con- 
tinually herald distinguished arri- 
vals. The streets are thronged with 
citizens, tourists, American and for- 
eign officers and soldiers, the ad- 
vance guard of every country to be 
represented. 'Tis like an animated 
waxwork exhibition. Receptions, 
banquets, and serenades are of hourly 
occurrence. 

Many side streets are converted 
into airy lodgings. Families have 
rented out their door-steps, charging 
double price when their door-mats 
are used. A new industry has arisen, 
and hostlers are deserting the stables 
to carry shaving water for, and at- 
tend to the visitors thus accommo- 
dated. It is a common thing, on the 
way down town in the morning, to 
pass an early riser making his toilette 
under difficulties, while a lazier com- 
panion snores away complacently 
with his head against the alley-gate. 



\ 



LA BLESSING DE MON PERE. 



29 




ofi-M/M W-' 



The seventh day of the month was 
one to be remembered with pride 
forever. Early in the day the Che- 
valier De Lafayette arrived with the 
gentlemen of the French Commis- 
sion and secured quarters at the 
"Guy House." In consideration 
of his ancestor's great services, the 
proprietor rated the Chevalier's 
board at six hundred francs per 
diem, and as a delicate compliment 
to his national feelings, assigned him 
an apartment in the French roof. 
Before he departed the Chevalier 
ascertained to his complete satisfac- 
tion why this hotel was called the 
Guy House. 

On the evening after their arrival, 
a reception was tendered the Cheva- 
lier and his companions by our citi- 
zens. Col. Fitzgerald was selected 
to deliver the address of welcome on 
account of his Parisian maimers, the 
elegance of costume which distin- 
guishes him from his fellows, and 
for his general epileptic fitness. We 
give a report of his speech copied 



from the "City Item" of the suc- 
ceeding day. We are, therefore, pre- 
pared to vouch for its correctness. 

" Messieurs : God bless you all; 
you are noble men ; we are all noble 
men ; a noble man's the honest work 
of God. God bless Paris ; God bless 
Philadelphia — they are both noble 
cities! May He bless the Champs 
Ely sees; may He bless the Column 
Vendome ; may He bless the Hotel 
de Ville, and, entre nous, while we 
are upon this subject, God bless the 
Abattoir. (Great applause.) 

" Parlez vous, Messieurs (laughter), 
I greet you all. I stand before you 
a relic of the past — of a noble past — 
of a gigantic past — of a — a — sacre a 
la pain etfromage (increased laughter) 
— God bless the past! (Cheers.) 

" Ate Jifte six Jive: General Grant 
is a great man ; he is a good man ; 
he is a noble man. In his name I 
bid you welcome. God bless General 
Grant, our noble President, our Chief 
Executive. (Cheers and applause of 
five minutes' duration.) 



30 



DIE WACHT AM DELAWARE. 



"The press, Messieurs, the press! 
I represent that gigantic instrument 
of civilization. I have a family de- 
voted to the press. Should supplies 
of printers' ink give out, they would 
spill their dearest blood to keep it 
running. Je suis, pardon me, Mes- 
sieurs, if I pause to bless them (cries 
of 'do,' 'do'). God bless them all! 
Ate fiftesix jive. (Immense applause.) 

"I greet you as brothers, eau de 
vie. I have been to Paris. I have 
visited the Pont Neuf. I have stood 
on that bridge at midnight, I have 
gazed at the flowing tide, with the 
shining stars above me and my 
family by my side. (Cheers.) 

" I have walked along the Champs 
Ely sees: — 

"Noble walk! 

"Glorious promenade! 

" I have looked upon the Column 
Vendome: — 

" Magnificent monument ! 

" Sublime creation ! 

" I have examined the exterior of 
the Hotel de Ville : — 

" In short, Messieurs, I have been 
to Paris; 'tis no more than just that 
you should come to Philadelphia. 
(Laughter and applause.) 

" Philadelphia and Paris! (Cheers.) 

" Paris and Philadelphia ! (Cheers.) 

"Noble cities! 

" God bless you all. Ate fif tesix 
five. (Paroxysmal applause.)" 

The Chevalier responded in very 
fair French. He was attired in his 
national costume. He wore a Lyons 
velvet coat trimmed with Valencien- 
nes lace, a white Marseilles vest, and 
French papeterie knee-breeches; his 
hair was powdered with Paris white. 
Later in the evening the Commission 
was serenaded by the German Sing- 
ing Societies. They executed the 



Marseillaise with great spirit and 
effect. 

The same day the junk of Prince 
Kung, the Regent of the Orphan Of 
the Sun, the Child Emperor of China, 
arrived in the Delaware. The ves- 
sel was brilliantly illuminated w T ith 
Chinese lanterns, and a band of na- 
tive musicians discoursed sweet 
music from the forward poop upon 
their wooden accordeons and pipes 
of reed. The Prince was a lantern- 
jawed sort of an individual with a 
candle-wicked eye. He and his suite 
were met by a delegation of laundry- 
men at Poplar Street wharf. Sam 
Wing, Esq., extended them an invi- 
tation to attend an opium banquet 
next day at the hall of the Bedford 
Street Mission. 

While this reception was in pro- 
gress up town, the firing of guns and 
ringing of bells announced the arri- 
val of the Imperial German Com- 
mission. 

Fifty thousand German citizens 
lined Walnut Street dock and the 
floating palaces in the vicinity, and 
no sooner had Prince Bismarck and 
his comrades touched land, than 
they were lifted bodily into several 
of Bergner & Engel's beer wagons, 
which were in waiting. The crowd, 
removing the horses from the wagons 
and the bungs from the kegs pro- 
vided, proceeded to draw both the 
wagons and the beer. Previous to 
starting, however, Alderman McMul- 
lin, who had been delegated for the 
pleasing duty by the German Society, 
spoke briefly as follows: — 

" Respected Dutchmen : The proud- 
est occasion of my eventful career is 
the present — to be permitted to wel- 
come to this new world, this repub- 
lic of an hundred years, the flower 



OUR BOYS— FRITZ AND WALES. 



31 



of the great German Empire under 
auspices so favorable and inspiring. 
l!^ot even when marshalling the once 
famous 4 Moya' to do battle with the 
devouring element, consuming in its 
fury the massive storehouse, the 
busy factory, the domestic hearth — 
aye, and life, dear life itself — not 
even when the bullet of the assassin 
found a resting-place within my 
weakened frame, did I experience 
the thrill of sublime pride, the glo- 
rious impulse of friendship and com- 
mon humanity, which now animates 
my being. For know there is be- 
tween us a bond of sympathy which 
the boundless intervening ocean 
cannot sever. William is my name, 
and it is likewise the name of my 
respected friend, your honored sove- 
reign. Like me, he is simple in his 
tastes ; like me, he is renowned for 
his courage and determination. 

"I desire that you should carry 
home with you a high opinion of 
our manners and institutions, and 
many, very many, pleasant reminis- 
cences of your visit. I trust we 
shall meet frequently and become 
quite sociable during your stay. I 
invite you all to dine with me to- 
morrow." 

Prof. Max Muller responded, with 
the accent of a Latin grammar. 

"Mr. Mickmullion, and gentle- 
men," said he, "I thank you for 
this welcome in the name of the 
Emperor, his Highness Prince Bis- 
marck, my colleagues, and myself. 
For years have I desired to visit 
this country for the purpose of mak- 
ing a geological examination. Dur- 
ing your eloquent remarks I have 
taken the opportunity of analyzing 
a handful of the soil. To my in- 
tense gratification I find it to aver- 



age a conglomeration or semi-crys- 
talline gneissoid of dark brown 
hematite, or, perhaps, a combination 
of barytes manganese with carbonajte 
of strontia. You will frequently 
notice that the debituminization 
of these silicious formations will 
degenerate in quality — at times fer- 
ruginous layers of volatile diorite 
form component parts. I have no 
doubt that you, Mr. Mucksquillion, 
have frequently arrived at similar 
conclusions. 

u So, again thanking you for your 
kind reception, I assure you I appre- 
ciated the finish of your remarks." 
Prince Bismarck was then taken 
in charge by Archbishop Wood, 
who had a hammock swung for him 
in the Cathedral. " Unser Fritz," the 
Emperor, and the commissioners 
were driven to the German Hospital. 
They declined communication of 
any kind, save an underground 
communication with Bergner and 
Engel's Brewery. In the evening, 
however, they were serenaded by the 
Societe Frangaise. u Die Wacht am 
Rhein" was sung with much feeling. 
On this eventful day the Hon. Mor- 
ton McMichael presided profession- 
ally at four banquets. 

The day following this is also 
one to be looked back to with grati- 
fication. The Irish Rifle Team 
arrived with the dawn, and was 
greeted with a beautiful sunrise, 
very cleverly arranged by Professor 
Jackson. The team acted as escort 
to the Prince of Wales and suite. 
Since his return from India, the 
Prince had been in rather reduced 
circumstances. Although scrupu- 
lously clean, his coat was somewhat 
threadbare, and his beaver gave 
evidence of frequent brushing. 



32 



THE "ALMS HOUSE" REGISTER. 



His Highness and suite were 
quartered at the house of the 
Spring Garden Soup Society ; the 
team secured accommodations at a 
first-class livery stable. 

These distinguished guests were 
received by General Franz Sigel, 
who remarked that he was glad to 
see them looking so fresh and green ; 
that he liked fresh and green folks 
to come to this country. He ad- 
vised them all to come back when 
they went home and get naturalized. 
He said that the ladder of Fame 
was waiting for Irishmen, and all 
they had to do was to come and 
climb. He wanted them to carry 
home a good opinion and leave as a 
remembrance the contents of their 
wallets. His remarks were re- 
ceived with hearty cheers. 

Wales suffered considerably du- 
ring the trip over. He says the 
company of the riflemen completely 
demoralized him. He might say he 
was half shot when he was half seas 
over. 

About noon the Spanish delega- 
tion arrived in Jersey city. They 
landed from the ferry boat in high 
good humor. The commission, com- 
posed of the elite of Spanish chivalry, 
included the following distinguished 
names: — 

Senor Concha Maduro. 
Don Felix Estra-Maduro (cousin 
of the above). 

Count Flor Del Fumar. 
His Highness Reina De Victoria, 
and 

Don Regalia De la Palma. 
These gentlemen proceeded quietly 
and unostentatiously to their rooms 
on the seventh floor of the Colonnade 
Hotel. They were waited upon by 
the leading cigar dealers of the city, 



who offered their spacious establish- 
ment as headquarters. 

Towards night the Duke of 
Gloucester and Red Bank arrived 
at South Street wharf. He had an 
apartment reserved for him on top 
of the Christian Street Shot Tower, 
to which he repaired at once. 

Pere Hyacinth came on the same 
vessel, and was taken in charge by 
the Horticultural Society. They 
lodged him cosily in the southeast 
corner of the State-house steeple. 
He says he liked his lodgings very 
much, but the rarefaction of the air 
was such that he could hear his 
watch ticking all night long. 

The Emperor of Brazil arrived at 
a very late hour and bunked tempo- 
rarily back of the main chimney of 
the Girard House. 

The following guests registered at 
the Alms House. 

Victor Emanuel of Italy, wife, 
three masters and three misses 
Emanuel. 

Mr. Khedive, of Egypt, with 
seven Madames Khedive. Family 
left at home. 

Professor Tyndale, — London. 
Joseph II. of Austria, wife and 
mother-in-law. 

General Von Moltke, Prussian 
Army. (He had unfortunately 
missed the train which had brought 
his copatriots, and was very warm 
upon his arrival.) 

Mr. McMichael presided at seven 
banquets this day, at one of which 
he read a telegram from Queen Vic- 
toria, accepting with thanks the 
apartments kindly tendered her by 
Engine No. 10. 

Next day, the 9th inst., the city's 
pulsometer was at fever heat. 

Brigham Young and family ar- 



ON ICE. 



33 



rived from Utah per. Centennial R. R. 
special train, forty-four cars. Brig- 
ham said he wanted to give the 
little ones an excursion. They were 
located under sheds at Point Breeze 
Park. 

On this evening, too, a most re- 
markable event occurred. During 
the day the City Solicitor of Phila- 
delphia, who is also a military com- 
mander of renown, in addressing a 
meeting of some of his contemporary 
warriors, including Bismarck, Yon 
Moltke, MacMahon, and others, re- 
marked that he would meet them 
upon the morrow at Memorial Hall, 
during the opening ceremonies. Im- 
mediately a special meeting of city 
councils was convened, and the fol- 
lowing preamble and resolutions 
presented and unanimously adopted. 

" Whereas, An International Ex- 
position was held at Vienna, in the 
year 1873; and whereas, upon the 
day the City Solicitor of Philadel- 
phia carried into effect his prede- 
clared intention of visiting said 
Exposition the roof of the buildings 
fell in, doing great damage and caus- 
ing great excitement ; and whereas, 
the same City Solicitor has an- 
nounced his purpose of visiting our 
Centennial buildings to-morrow ; 
and whereas, it is our bounden 
duty to provide against the occur- 
rence of any like disaster to our 
International Exposition, and espe- 
cially from the same cause which 
affected the Vienna affair, be it 
hereby 

"Resolved, That the interests of 
the Exhibition demand the incar- 
ceration of the individual above 
alluded to. 

"Resolved, That he be immedi- 
ately placed in irons and confined 



in the vaults of the Knickerbocker 
Ice Company until the close of the 
Exposition. 

" Resolved, That every attention 
be paid to him in his confinement, 
and that the Knickerbocker Ice 
Company be allowed $93.77 per 
diem for his support and the ice re- 
quired to keep him cool. 

" Resolved, That he be produced 
for one hour each Wednesday morn- 
ing at the Supreme Court Rooms, to 
deliver opinions on municipal affairs, 
that the city may suffer no more 
than necessary from this unavoid- 
able action. 

"Resolved, That he be supplied 
with the 'Times' newspaper daily, 
and be allowed unlimited rations of 
lemons, sugar, and whatever liquid 
he may desire, to mix with his 
ice." 

At four o'clock in the morning, 
the subject of these resolutions was 
awakened from his innocent slum- 
bers and hurried into a Knicker- 
bocker ice wagon by detectives, 
with black masks over their faces. 
He struggled bravely, but — pro bono 
publico — principiis obsta. 




34 



OH SHAH, WHAT A FUSS ! 



CHAPTER Y. 



THE CRACKLING.' 



Preparations for the blaze. 




HE morning smiled bright, and the 
mist rose on high, and the lark whis- 
tled "Hail Columbia" in the clear 
sky, on the tenth day of May, 1876, 
the day set apart for, and consecrated 
to, the opening of the Centennial Ex- 
position. 

Old Probabilities himself was in 
the city, with his weather eye open. 
Early in the morning he fixed the 
barometer in front of McAllister's at 
" set fair," arranged the thermometer 
at 65°, and engaged a refreshing south- 
ern breeze to be around lively during 
the entire day. After this he ate his 
breakfast, enjoying a quiet conscience 
and a correspondingly good appetite. 
Shortly before daylight a very curious incident occurred — fortunately it 
ended happily. 

The Shah of Persia, his son John, and the Sultan of Turkey, arrived 
together at Broad and Prime Street Depot. The city being weary of 
receiving dignitaries, no official and but little private notice was taken 
of their arrival. They jumped into a Union Line car. Unthinkingly, the 
Sultan put a dollar bill into the " Slawson box," and then demanded his 
change from the conductor. Of course, the conductor was unable to open 
the box, and refused to give it to him, telling him he deserved to lose it 
for his stupidity. The Sultan became furious. 

"My change," he cried; "I want my change, and I'm going to have it; 
seven cents for me, seven cents for the Shah, and four cents for little Shah, 
that's eighteen cents ; give me eighty-two cents change. You can't cheat 
me, you swindling Americans!" 

Again the conductor refused and remonstrated ; the Sultan was per- 
fectly wild with rage ; he drew his scimetar, and caught that conductor 
by the throat, and there would certainly have been an immediate vacancy 
for a conductor on the Union Line, had not Mr. McMichael been just 
then returning from a late banquet. Mr. McMichael, being a sportsman, 
was thoroughly conversant with wild turkey gobble ; he smoothed mat- 
ters over. He refunded the eighty-two cents from his own pocket, took the 



AND HIS RHYME, IT WAS CHIL-DLIKE AND BLAND. 



35 



Eastern monarehs home with him, 
and afterwards secured them a bed 




in the coal cellar of the House of 
Correction, apologizing to them be- 
cause they were obliged to share it 
with Mr. Carlyle, the English es- 
sayist. 

The Egyptian Sphynx, kindly 
loaned by the Khedive, also arrived 
in the morning, and was at once 
placed in position on Belmont Ave- 
nue. We regret being obliged to 
record the disgraceful fact, that it 
was entirely carried away in small 
bits by relic fiends before night. 
The Khedive immediately presented 
a bill of damages to the President, 
and levied on the Exhibition build- 
ings in toto, the Capitol at Washing- 
ton, and Mayor Stokley's house on 
Broad Street. Happily the matter 
was amicably settled. The Presi- 
dent promised the Khedive that 
Congress should have a new Sphynx 
made for him, a much better one 
than that destroyed, of bronze, and 
with all modern improvements. The 
order was subsequently given to 
Messrs. Eobt. Wood & Co., of Phila- 




THE MODERN SPHYNX. 



delphia, and before the close of the 
Exposition they shipped to Cairo a 
bronze Sphynx, which will certainly 
add greatly to the attractions of 
the desert. We doubt not that the 
Messrs. Wood will receive orders for 
bronze Pyramids, provided they will 
take the old ones in part payment. 

The proprietor of the Public 
Ledger was so pleased with the 
Sphynx which our Philadelphia firm 
turned out, that he immediately 
ordered a duplicate for his back 
garden. He also composed the fol- 
lowing touching lines for the poet's 
corner of his journal. A copy of 
them, translated into Egyptian cha- 
racters, was sent to the Eastern po- 
tentate with the Sphynx: — 

" Egypt had a little Sphynx, 
It was her pride and wonder, 
She sent it to Amerikay, 

Where it was knocked to thunder. 

This 'ffliction sore, poor Egypt bore, 
Her grief seemed all in vain, 

Till one as good was made by Wood, 
And Egypt smiled again. 

Gone to take the place of the 

Original One." 

The great feature of the day was 

THE PKOCESSION, 

the march from Independence Square 
to the Exposition grounds. We 
shall endeavor, in brief style, not to 
do justice to, but to give some slight 
account of the grandest pageant 
which any nation has yet witnessed 
in its midst. 

The immense body, consisting of 
representative military from every 
nation under the sun and in the 
shade, was divided into two hun- 
dred and forty divisions, each with 
a commanding general and aids. 



36 



BENJAMIN'S COAT. 



General Joseph E. Johnston, of 
Georgia, was to have been Grand 
Marshal. His uncle Andrew being 
dead, unfortunately, he was obliged 
to have his only military coat re- 
paired by a tailor who was not 
punctual, and who failed to express 
it to him in time. General Butler, 
of Massachusetts, however, who 
happened to have two coats with 
him, very kindly loaned one to 
Johnston, who appeared in the 
afternoon. Attached to the back 
of the loaned garment was a neat 
show-card, bearing this inscription — 

ANOTHER BRIDGE 

ACROSS THE 

BLOODY CHASM. 

THE TRIBUTE OF 

MASSACHUSETTS 

TO 

GEORGIA. 




The General was lustily cheered 
wherever he went, and General But- 
ler was the subject of more praise 
during this day, than during any 
portion of his life subsequent to his 
occupation of New Orleans. 

The position of honor, the First 
Division, was given to the Philadel- 
phia regiments by a unanimous vote 
of the generals of divisions. 

Col. Hill and Dale Benson led off 



with his command, which appeared 
for the first time in its new uni- 
form. The immense black fur muffs, 
which the members borrowed from 
their sisters and wore upon their 
heads, gave them a very ferocious 
appearance, though most of their 
noses were completely hidden from 
view. Company " C" attracted par- 
ticular attention. It had adopted a 
new " hop" for marching, which was 
both graceful and unique, though 
evidently fatiguing. 

The " State Fencibles" turned out 
in fine style. With their accus- 
tomed liberality they presented arms 
to all the pretty girls they met on the 
way. The "City Troop" brought 
up the rear of the division. These 
warriors were arrayed in all their 
awful panoply of war — white ties 
and white kid gloves, with gold 
vinaigrettes, containing salts and ex- 
tracts, dangling from their belts. 
Their horses were also supplied with 
vinaigrettes, which they sniffed occa- 
sionally in lieu of their usual odor — 
the smoke of battle. The Troop 
carried a magnificent banner, im 
scribed — 

First in Peace — First in War — 

AND 

First in the Hearts of their 



And, on the reverse side — 



presented to the 
CITY TROOP OF PHILADELPHIA 

BY THEIR 
LADY FRIENDS AND ADMIRERS, 

AT THEIR 

FIRST ANNUAL PICNIC, 
Schuylkill Falls Park, July 1, 1872. 

The Pennsylvania Veterans, G. 
A. R., marched in the centre of the 



THE PET OF THE POPULACE. 



37 



Second Division, and a moving in- 
cident occurred as they passed by 
the Mint near Broad Street. 

The first distinguished warrior to 
appear was Colonel Mann, the hero 
of -^0007 fights, mounted upon the 
gallant steed which had borne him 
safely through them all. Along the 
route, his iron front proudly erect, 
his bronzed and battered features 
flushed with the nobility of a natu- 
ral pride, he was greeted by the en- 
thusiastic cheers of the assembled 
thousands. Maidens from beyond 
the seas — oflicers (no mean heroes 
themselves) from the armies of the 
old world, joined in the gracious 
tumult. One bald-headed veteran 
(a Marshal of the Windsor Castle 
Guards, who had left a leg at Balak- 
lava, an arm at Waterloo, an eye 
in the Crimea, and who expected to 
distribute the rest of himself upon 
various other battle-fields before he 
died) turned to the Chevalier De 
.Lafayette, who with Senator Sam 
Josephs occupied the barouche with 
him, and asked — 

" Who is passing, Chevalier, that 
the people appear so excited ?" 

" Quely vous motre dio, do you really 
not know?" exclaimed the Cheva- 
lier, "Zat is, graciosa poverisi, zat is 
ze Kunel Mann, pardieu, ze great 
Kunel Mann." 

" What !" shouted the veteran, and 
pulling from his coat the diamond 
order of " St. George and the Dragon 
fly" which blazed among an hun- 
dred others upon his breast, he rose 
in his coach and flung it gracefully 
to the Colonel, who caught it quite 
as gracefully upon the fly. At this 
moment a great shout arose. The 
populace imagined that a shot had 
been fired at the Colonel, that an 



attempt had been made to assassi- 
nate their pet hero. The mob rushed 
for the carriage which contained the 
veteran, with cries of " kill him," 
etc. etc. The Colonel took in the 
situation at a glance. Rising in his 
stirrups he spread wide his arms to 
show he was uninjured. 

"Hold," he shouted, in that same 
voice of loud and deep toned beauty 
which oft had brought the briny 
tears to eyes of hardened criminals 
in the dock, " Hold ; he is my friend : 
he has given me this badge ( c Cape 
May diamonds,' he added sotto voce) ; 
who touches a hair of his bald 
head, dies like a dog — march on," 
he said. 

The cries for vengeance changed 
to wild cheers of joy, and the pro- 
cession moved on. 

The Foreign Divisions followed 
the Pennsylvanians in rotation 
adopted by lot. The Caledonian 
club was a marked feature of the 
English Division among which it 
was numbered, being the only repre- 
sentation from Scotland. The mem- 
bers appeared in full Highland cos- 
tume, kilt, sash, and checker-board 
stockings. The chiefs danced the 
Highland Fling all along the route 
to the inspiring strains of the regi- 
mental bagpipes. The company of 
Orangemen with their Lemon aids 
was also a part of this division ; they 
were commanded by Col. Terrence 
McDougall. 

The brigade of French Chasseurs 
in the Fifth Division, commanded 
by Marshal Benzine, presented a 
splendid appearance, and wore the 
strings of doughnuts which were 
thrown around their shoulders with 
a truly fascinating French abandon. 

The "French Lancers," in the 



38 



GOSHORN'S NOBLE RESOLVE. 



same division, danced the quadrille 
named after them at each lamp-post 
along the line. 

A number of survivors of the late 
French war were carried along in 
Sedan chairs. This must have been 
a sad sight for Frenchmen. We are 
not Frenchmen. 

The German Landsturm soldiers 
were artistically decorated with 
pretzels and oranges. Their division 
was preceded by the Emperor Wil- 
liam and his family, drawn in one 
of the ambulances of the German 
Hospital, the horses being appropri- 



ately decorated with German and 
American bunting. 

The Austrian Grenadiers (division 
seventy), carried a miniature hy- 
drant, emblematic of temperance; 
also an open Bible on a velvet cushion. 

The Centennial managers were 
somewhat annoyed by the appear- 
ance in line of a commission from 
the African interior, which insisted 
on taking part in the procession, or 
eating the Director General. They 
marched along in their native cos- 
tume, consisting of a skewer through 
their back hair. 




Of course they were not aware of 
anything out of the way in their get 
up, but Mr. Goshorn said that rather 
than have the thing occur again, he 
would sacrifice himself on the altar 
of propriety, and be eaten. His 
brother commissioners encouraged 
him in this resolve. 

Immediately after the Foreign Di- 
visions, came the " National Centen- 
nial Guards," formed of companies 
from the thirteen original States. 
They were headed by Generals 
Grant, Sherman, Butler, and Hart- 
ranft, and were followed by the Cen- 
tennial Commissioners in barouches. 

The Commissioners were paired 
off with foreign civil dignitaries 
and potentates. The Prince of 
Wales was inveigled into a carriage 
with two of our city officials: he 
left for home next day. Queen Vic- 



toria (his mother) enjoyed the society 
of the Chief of the Fire Depart- 
ment : she remained until the close 
of the Exposition. 

One carriage was cheered vocifer- 
ously. It contained Vice-President 
Wilson, Mr. Jefferson Davis, Simon 
Cameron, and Robert Toombs. 

The American divisions, which 
included companies and regiments 
from every State and city in the 
Union, succeeded the barouches. A 
great many of these organizations 
brought their own bands with them, 
or as the saying is, " blew their own 
horns," but many others depended 
upon the well-known musical re- 
sources of Philadelphia. They dis- 
covered that delays were dangerous. 
They had to do the best they could. 

The " Duquesne Greyhounds," of 
Pittsburgh, were preceded by Signor 



THE "LITTLE DEARS." 



39 



Maccaroni's band — two harps and a 
female violinist, while the " Charles- 
ton Fusileers" were obliged to fusi- 
leer to the strains of seven jews- 
harps, kindly volunteered by juve- 
nile American talent. 

A noticeable company was the 
" Palmetto Guards," of South Caro- 
lina, dressed in dusters and straw 
hats, and bearing palm-leaf fans. 
The "Ancient Artillery," of Boston, 
thorough sons of guns, every man of 
them, also attracted much attention. 
Their step was the Boston glide. 

The "Norfolk Blues" and the 
"Virginia Carbuncles" entered upon 
the march with highly polished rifles 
and well filled canteens. Their rifles 
were still highly polished when the 
march was over. 

The "Seventh Regiment," of New 
York, composed entirely of officers, 
was much applauded. Its discipline 
was apparent in its style of march- 
ing and the waxed moustaches of 
its members. 

The brigade of American Indians 
was under the command of General 
Sheridan. The warriors were con- 
veniently and economically uni- 
formed in blankets. Each chief had 
his initials plainly visible upon the 
corner of his blanket. By a strange 
coincidence, almost a fatality, the 
initials of the name of every man 
in the brigade were the same letters 
— U and S. 




The "West Point Cadets" were 
also in line. They made a peaceful 



and pleasing show with their little 
tin swords and wooden guns. They 
looked very neat too, clean faces and 
well-brushed hair showing that they 
were tenderly cared for. Their jack- 
ets were buttoned tight up to their 
necks. The ladies were charmed 
with them, and "little dears," 
" sweet, ain't they ?" were the ex- 
pressions heard on all sides. Much 
sympathy was expressed for them on 
account of the great length of the 
route — entirely too long for children 
to traverse. The cadets were to 
have remained during two weeks of 
the Exposition, but they got to eating 
unripe cherries from the trees in the 
Park, and falling into the Schuylkill 
River, so the Commissioners were 
compelled to send them home. 

The "Naval Cadets" were mar- 
shalled under Secretary Robeson. 
This old salt was arrayed as Nep- 
tune, with a trident in his hand, and 
a crown of real sea-shells upon his 
aged, weather-beaten brow. The 
cadets were taken care of during 
their stay by a file of marines. 

The procession started at 10 
o'clock, and by two P. M. one-half 
of the main body having passed the 
Continental Hotel, the head of the 
procession reached Memorial Hall, 
while the tail was wagging here, 
there and everywhere, about the sa- 
cred shadows of Independence Hall. 

At Memorial Hall, amid the 
salvos of artillery, the pealings of 
bells, and music of the band ; the 
hymns of the singers, and the cheer- 
ing of the vast, innumerable multi- 
tude, the 

CHAPLAIN OF THE UNITED STATES 
SENATE 

ascended the decorated pulpit. 



40 



SILENCE. 



Major Stokley stepped forward. 
Tear-drops glistened in his translu- 
cent orbs. He raised his arm; his 
hand, so used to threaten and com- 
mand, implored silence. In a single 
moment the tiring ceased, the bells 



pealed no more ; the last echoes of 
the hymns were carried heavenward 
upon the gentle breeze ; the people 
ceased shouting, and a holy, solemn 
silence reigned supreme. 



CHAPTEE VI. 



THE FIRE." 



Who flared and how they did it. 



MID this profound silence the 
Chaplain proceeded to inform the 
Lord for what purpose that great 
concourse of people was assem- 
bled. 

He intimated that as "the earth 
was the Lord's and the fulness 
thereof, and as the United States 
of America formed a part of the 
earth, and its citizens frequently 
gave evidence of the fulness there- 
of, it was eminently proper that 
He should not be kept in ignorance 
| of its doings." 

He quoted freely from Scripture 
to convince his hearers that man 
was not all-powerful, but that, 
sooner or later, he must needs 
leave country, home, greenbacks, office, and corner lots behind him. 

Alluding to the nations of olden time, he aired his classical learning. 
He informed his hearers that Greece and Rome were not now exactly 
what they had been, and mentioned likewise that Romulus and Mr. Julius 
Caesar had both been dead for some time. 

He also remarked upon several interesting historical facts of more 
modern date, which he seemed to think might possibly have slipped the 
memory of the angels, — namely : that a number of European countries 
were governed by potentates ; that some of these had not been all that 
virtuous, peace-loving men could have wished them; that an assembly of 
individuals had pronounced freedom to be the prerogative of all mankind; 
— then, after commending Mr. Grant and his cabinet, Mr. Stokley and his 
city council, Mr. Goshorn and his associates, to the good graces of the 




THE EAGLE SHRIEKS. 



41 



heavenly host, he complimented 
that body on having the truest re- 
public yet organized, and retired 
gracefully from the pulpit. 

The orchestra of ten thousand 
selected musicians then executed 
Haydn's magnificent "Oratorio of 
the Creation," after which Mr. 
Ulysses S. Grant, who as President 
of the United States was chairman 
of the meeting, arose and made one 
of his powerful and eloquent ad- 
dresses : — " Ladies and Gentlemen,'' 
said he, " I hope I see you well. I 
am glad to see so many of you 
around me on this occasion. It is a 
very pleasant occasion. Like the 
century plant, it blooms but once in 
a hundred years. A good many of 
you, who I see around me on this 
occasion, will not be around when 
it comes around again. I thank 
you, ladies and gentlemen, for the 
manner in which you have received 
me, and I will make room for a 
longer winded man than me. I 
hope you will listen to him with 
attention. I thank you again, and 
hope you will all enjoy the exhibi- 
tion. Allow me to introduce to you 
the orator of the day, selected by the 
Centennial Executive Committee." 

The building shook with the ap- 
plause of the assembled multitude, 
and when the clamor had subsided, 
the orator began his address in a 
stirring appeal to 

The Genius of Liberty. 

" Ring out, ye bells, ye harbingers 
of liberty, ring out! The world is 
hushed to listen to your joyful peal- 
ings, — the heavens open and swallow 
up your golden sounds ! From where 
the sun first breaks upon Columbia's 
4 



slopes to where the rain-drops thun- 
der in supernal night, — where eagles 
scream and dash their pinions 'gainst 
the crags and peaks which blaze in 
midday splendor, — where, rushing 
through the crimson sky, they swell 
the notes which drown the shriek- 
ing gale, and flashing arrows of elec- 
tric light, piercing the groaning 
depths of chaos, echo beyond the 
shadow of eternal hills the cry of 
nature's soul, the thrilling anthem 
— Liberty I 

"It is our 'throne — the pedestal on 
which our building rests ! a century 
agone its bed was hollowed out by 
pithy arms, now resting in the dust. 
Oh sturdy hearts ! Oh honest hands! 
Beyond the boundaries of space and 
time, where Nature's seedlings bud, 
and waters gather in a mighty deep, 
to thee, to thee we look through 
tears we dare not hide, and glimmer- 
ing in the phosphorescent radiance 
of a holy past, we cry aloud, and 
loud the answer comes. The waves 
dash high, the breakers roar, the 
bright bow spans the clouds above, 
when lo, forth springs in brilliant 
splendor, our flag — the emblem of 
our dearest hopes, — our pride, forth 
springs in glorious purity, our flag, 
— the stars and stripes, — the flag of 
Adams and his son John Quincy." 

At this stage of the proceedings, 
four hundred ladies uttered a simul- 
taneous scream and fainted. The 
gallant orator, descending from the 
rostrum, helped to carry and lay 
them upon the greensward without, 
where members of the Fire Depart- 
ment promptly saturated them with 
a portion of the Schuylkill River. 
Then, taking a hasty draught of 
Bowers' Centennial Mead, the orator 
re-entered the hall and resumed his 



42 



LONGFELLOW. 



address. Not one of the audience 
had left — daring the interim they 
had been nicely entertained by the 



Director General (always prepared 
for emergencies), who gave them a 
comic song and dance. 




t re o/> — aurrr/v 



In resuming, the orator alluded 
to the Garden of Eden. He ex- 
plained how the "S" became added 
to the name of Adam, and drew a 
pleasant word picture of the illus- 
trious founder of his family in his 
fig-tree suit. He spoke for two 
hours in an interesting manner, and 
concluded. 

The chorus then joined in the 
national anthem, "Pop goes the 
Weasel," after which the 

Poet op the Occasion, 

America's sweetest singer, who 
touches with his gentle hand the 



heart-strings of the world, waking 
them to musical response as pure 
and truthful as his own blessed 
soul, stepped forward, and read his 
original poem, which will live for- 
ever, a mile-stone of the nation. 

The people listened with rapt at- 
tention to the words of the honored 
bard. He seemed inspired ; his voice 
was full, and each syllable he uttered 
reached every corner of the immense 
building. We caught the words and 
pinned them to our note-book in 
phonographic characters as they were 
given birth, and we reproduce them 
here complete and unabridged. 



FOREVER AND FOREVER 43 

A Song in Two Voices. 

First Voice. 
The silent horologe of time, which varies never, 
Hath swept into the bosom of that sea 
Pulsating gainst the rock " Eternity," 
The life-blood of an hundred years, 
Forever and forever ! 

But crimson blood upon the Ocean's wavelets, never 
Content beneath the surface smooth to hide, 
Will traces leave enrubying the tide, 
Till earth in chaos disappears, 
Forever and forever ! 

We gaze upon a restless sea, which quiets never, 
And read as on a changing, moving scroll, 
The nation's living, cryptogamic soul, 
Which Death's dark lantern lights and clears, 
Forever and forever ! 

They are our own, these dead we look upon, though never 
Have we full guessed the good which passed away ; 
To know what we were losing day by day, 
Would be, methinks, to live in tears, 
Forever and forever! 

Then listen, brothers, for my failing voice may never, 
Be heard again throughout our fatherland; 
And e'en the pen drops from my feeble hand, 
As my long journey swiftly nears, 
Forever and forever! 

List while I read to you the graven tale, which never 
May be all told by these poor lips of mine, 
For coming ages still add line to line, 
Till earth no longer heeds nor hears, 
Forever and forever ! 

Second Voice. 
Speak, speak, thou dismal guest, 
With gloomy thoughts oppressed, 
Speak quick and give a rest, 

To those who hear thee : 

Much pleased we've read the lays, 
Writ in thy youthful days, 
G-iving no stint of praise, 

Aiming to cheer thee. 



44 ABORIGINAL POETRY 

Proud of thy fame are we ; 
Therefore most graciously, 
For what it's worth will thee, 
"Our poet" christen: 

Long, long will live thy verse, 
As will, too, much that's worse, 
And if thou wilt he terse, 
Brother, we'll listen. 

First Voice. 

In the old colony days in London, the chief town of England, 
In the cellar which runs to and fro 'neath the Parliament building, 
With a pipe in his mouth and a match in his hand, made of sulphur, 
On a keg of dry powder was seated Mr. Guy Fawkes awaiting the signal. 
Above was King George with a sword in his hand at a table. 
Drinking green tea, which he always had made " with a stick," 
"While up by the urn, stood a beautiful Puritan maiden, 
With sweet, smiling eyes like the bloom of the bluebells in summer, 
Who opened her mouth, and with laughing lips uttered this question, — 
u My liege, would you like just a little bit more of gunpowder?" 
Guy Fawkes was discovered and hung, and his body was cast in the 

Tiber, 
King George wasn't blown up just then — but not many years after, 
His tea was the match which ignited the spark, and gave him some few 

more gunpowder. 

Second Voice. 

Tell us not in furlong numbers, 

What we know as well as you, 
Though you've got things mixed up " somewurs." 

King George wasn't Cromwell too. 

Life is short and time is fleeting, 

And we fear, if you intend 
To go on old tales repeating, 

We shall never reach an end. 

First Voice. 

Kajo, kajo, mudjekewiss, 
Jeebi ishkoodah jossakeed, 
Shinghe", shingebis shah shuh gah ; 

Chibiabo bukadawin, 
Wahonowin ! Wahonowin ! 
Totem totem ahkosewin, 

Minehaha, haha, haha, 
Ha ha, ha ha, ha ha, ha ha. 



FAIR COLUMBIA. 45 

Second Voice. 
Thank you, sir. 

First Voice. 

Nation of our hopes and prayers, 
Time steals by us unawares, 
Gravestones seal our joys and cares. 

We must leave thee whilst thou'rt young, 
Whilst the bell for freedom rung, 
Echoes still from heart to tongue : 

Standing on Oppression's tomb, 
In thy youthful beauty's bloom, 
Monument of tyrants' doom ; 

Gazing with a lofty pride 

O'er thy hearthstone, boundless, wide, — 

Oceans washing either side ; 

Towns and cities, hills and vales ; 
Earth with joy thy Queenship hails, 
Seas and rivers bear thy sails ! 

Fair Columbia, we must go, 
Ear beyond thy oceans' flow, 
Ear beyond thy mountains' snow ; 

Other sons will 'bout thee rise, 
Love thy blue and starlit eyes, 
Love the white thy life flow dyes : 

May their hearts' love never leave thee, 
May they dream no thoughts to grieve thee, 
Never of a star bereave thee ; 

May the olive in thy hand 
Spread until its branches grand 
Shelter safely all thy land ; 

And as days and years are told, 
May thy brilliant flag enfold 
Strength which never groweth old. 

May the world beneath the sun, 
In the freedom thou hast won, 
See a boon denied to none. 

For a gift from God thou art, 
Missioned bravely to impart 
Sunshine to the sunless heart. 



46 



AN APPRECIATIVE PRESIDENT. 



This poem was telegraphed, word 
for word as spoken, to the "New 
York Herald," appearing in that 
sheet next morning. From its col- 
umns it was copied, the week after, 
into the Philadelphia journals. 

After the poem, Messrs. Arbuckle 
and Levy, the cornetists, played 
"Old Hundred." It proved a great 
success, as it had never before been 
attempted — in a horn. 

The Massachusetts gentleman se- 
lected for the honor, then read an 
essay by Thomas Jefferson, entitled 

The Declaration of Independence. 

This production was replete with 
witty sayings and wise aphorisms, 
doubtless very applicable to the time 
in which it was written, but some- 
what obsolete and wanting in point 
at present. The soda-water foun- 
tain was much patronized during 
this portion of the ceremonies. 
General Grant sat it out, however, 
and mentioned afterwards that he 
considered it one of the finest things 
he had ever listened to. He inquired 
particularly concerning the author, 
and seemed disappointed when in- 
formed that he was dead. He would 
doubtless have enjoyed making 
Thomas a revenue inspector or an 
Indian commissioner. 

Again the combined orchestra and 
chorus howled forth. This time it 
was "Paddle your own Canoe." 

Mr. L. Q. C. Lamar, of Mississippi, 

Orator of the Day No. 2, 

stepped forward. He remarked that 
as it was growing late he should not 
detain them long. At this, those 
favored ones to take part in the ban- 



quet concluding the ceremonies, 
brightened up wonderfully. 

The orator then proceeded to say 
that this was the first centennial 
celebration in which he had taken 
part; he therefore hoped that any 
shortcoming might be overlooked in 
consideration of his quick going. 
He remarked that he came from 
where the Mississippi wound her 
silvery length through rich green 
fields, by thriving towns and mighty 
cities ; that he was a native of the 
Sunny South, those happy realms 
where nightingales tuned harmoni- 
ous song and alligators sported in 
their lukewarm baths. He men- 
tioned that this was a great country, 
that the sun rose in the East and set 
in the West, and that while the 
snow-flakes fell and whitened all 
the northern plains, the orange 
bloomed and gentle breezes blessed 
the southern groves. 

"We are*but travellers here," said 
he, pathetically, " and while we 
breathe the air and walk upon the 
earth, we have two duties which 
should command the energies of our 
minds, the strength of our arms, and 
the honor of our souls ; — one, to our 
fathers, those who have gone before 
— the other to our children, those 
who have already come and those 
yet to come after." Mr. Lamar did 
not exempt bachelors from the latter 
of these duties, but in eloquent lan- 
guage urged upon all the great mis- 
sion of an American citizen. 

The orator continued for three 
hours, and 'twas only when darkness 
fell and the chambermaid came in 
to light the gas, that he concluded ; 
telling his spell-bound listeners, that, 
although he had much more to say, 
he would remember his promise to 



CLARA'S NEXT ROLE. 



41 



be brief, and postpone the remainder 
of his address until the next centen- 
nial, hoping that in the mean time 
they would ponder well upon the 
truths which he had uttered. 

General Sherman here nudged the 
President, who had fallen into a 
gentle spell-bound doze, and who, 
awakening with a start, rose and 
said: — 

" And now, by virtue of authority 
in me vested, I, Ulysses S. Grant, 
President of the United States of 
America, do declare this Exhibition 
open for the transaction of all such 
business as may be legally brought 
before it. — Amen." 

The musical fraction ended up 
with Beethoven's Twelfth Mass, and 
" Little Brown Jug" for encore, and 
thus was the 

International Exposition 

inaugurated. 



Through the courtesy of the Cen- 
tennial Managers, we were supplied 
with copies of several odes, poems, 
essays, etc., forwarded to the com- 
mittee by various distinguished 
authors of this and other countries, 
and rejected for reasons best known 
to the committee. Of these we can- 
not retrain from inserting a contri- 
bution from Lord Alfred Tennyson. 
It is in the shape of a two-act drama, 
entitled 

" George W. Washington." 

It has been pronounced by com- 
petent judges to be equal to much 
that Shakspeare did not write. It 
has been translated into the celestial 
tongue, and will be produced during 
the next century at the Theatre 
Royal, Hong Kong. We under- 
stand that Miss Clara Morris is 
studying the role of G. W. Wash- 
ington. 



ACT FIRST. 

SCENE — Winter Quarters at Valley Forge. The American Army 
sleeping on the left side of the stage. Delaware River flowing in the rear. 
Seven £2-pounders pointed towards the audience (to be discharged if they 
leave before the curtain falls). A full regiment of cavalry ready to issue 
R. I. E. Practicable window in flat. 
Thomas Jones, a farmer, and Sambo, Washington's servant, discovered. 

Sambo. 
You may not enter — the General snores in sleep ; 
• Sweet sleep, that balm in heaven distilled, 
Has fallen on his eyelids. 
(Sings) Low, galoot; speak low, galoot, or you may wake him — 
Low, galoot, low ! 

Farmer Jones. 
Yet listen, gentle knave; a farming man am I 
From Jersey. Should'st open now my heart, 
Lo, thou would'st find but two words graven on it — 

Trenton and whiskey! 



48 THE PLOT THICKENS. 

Sambo. 
(Sings) Low, galoot; speak low, galoot, or you may wake him — 
Low, galoot, low ! 

Farmer Jones. 
The keystone of our government is shattered, 
The Hessians are in Trenton I 

Sambo. 
Methinks some traitor spoke. 'Tis not jet lost. 
Send out, send out the constables, 
And have them all 
Arrested. Egg Harbor is not taken yet? 

Farmer Jones. 
(Joyously) Egg Harbor is not taken yet I 

Sambo. 
Then there is hope. But, hush!— he's here! 
( Washington enters through window and listens.) 

Farmer Jones. 
Who? 

Sambo. 
Our General — great George Washington! 

Farmer Jones. 
Oh!! 

[All exit Curtain falls. 

ACT SECOND. 

SCEKE— State-House at Philadelphia. Continental Congress in session, 
John Hancock in the chair; representatives grouped around; large eon- 
course of citizens in the hall; the back window open, through which a view 
of Independence Square in flat. Procession passing with flags and ban- 
ners, and band of music. A political meeting in the Square ; also a few 
Indians lassooing buffalo. Eagle screams as curtain rises. 

John Hancock. Ah! 
Robert Morris. Indeed!! 

Thomas Jefferson. Possible!!! 

John Adams. Very remarkable ! ! ! ! 

[Exit all the representatives except Benjamin Franklin. 



GRAND DENOUEMENT. 49 

First Citizen. Shall we go too ? 

Second Citizen. Go to! 

Third Citizen. For which we should be thankful. 

[Exit all the citizens, Franklin alone. 

Benjamin Franklin. 
From Jersey, New York, Delaware, and Pennsylvania, 
Virginia, Massachusetts, and both the Carolinas, 
These men have come who have but just gone out. 
There's Hopkinson, and Middleton, and Harrison, 
And William Ellery, George Taylor, and Josiah Bartlett ; 
Morton, Walton, Joe Hewes, and Willie Hooper, 
And many more ; and I am left alone — 
!No ! — here come Eoger Sherman, Gerry, and George Whytte. 

{Milkman sings without.) 

" Bully for you, Susie, 
Bully for you now, 
To go and milk the water pump, 

'Stead of the cow. 
Chalk is very cheap, 
Milk is quite a heap, 
Healthier when diluted than it came from the cow." 

Franklin. 
I wish I was a milkman; methinks it is a better 
Business than being a philosopher — 
Ah, gentle friends, what news? 

{Enter Koger Sherman, Gerry, and George Whytte.) 

Sherman. 
Washington has crossed the Delaware! 
{Chorus outside) [many voices]. "Washington forever!" 

George Whytte. 
Lo, he will be our President ! 
{Shouts again) [many voices]. " Three cheers for Washington I" 

Gerry. 
Who knows ? 

Benjamin Franklin. 
Let us pray. 

(They all kneel, and the orchestra strikes up " Yankee Doodle" as the 
curtain drops.) 



50 



THE NORTH POLE REACHED AT LAST. 



CHAPTEE VII. 



THE REFLECTIONS." 



Shadows, shapes, and those who made them. 




OU are standing, sir, directly 
upon the equator." Our country 
cousin jumped aside in terror; 
his face grew white, his knees 
trembled, his hair stood on end. 
It was our first visit to the Main 
Exhibition Building after its 
opening, and he had accompanied 
us. 

"Great Heaven!" he gasped, 
"why did they leave it around 
here — is , it dangerous ?" and he 
backed into an Italian brigand 
who was strolling leisurely along, 
" it oughter be in the zoological 
department," he added, and peered 
around for a glimpse of the animal. 
We smiled pityingly. 
" The equator, our dear cousin," said we, " is that broad chalk line 
marked across the floor of the building. It represents the centre of the 
earth. Here, take the glasses ; — now observe, — that main mast or tele- 
graph pole, painted white and decked with ribbons, which you see at the 
extreme end of the avenue, is a very complete facsimile of the North Pole. 
Now, turn around ; — that clothes prop (kindly loaned by Mrs. Forney) 
represents the South Pole. At one end, to speak poetically, we have 
Greenland's Icy Mountain, at the other, Mrs. Forney's Coral Strand. Let 
us take a cursory glance of what lies between." 

We do not propose to give more than the merest superficial account of 
the wonders and glories of the great display. Everywhere the eye rested 
it was dazzled with jewels, silver, splendor, and — and — so forth. Striped 
gauzes, magnificent bronzes, burnished armor, superb laces, fine inlaid 
work, unique carvings, rich and rare fancy goods, musical instruments, 
books, acres of useful articles, miles of ornamental productions, food, 
clothing, and — and — more so forth. 

Perhaps it would be best for the intelligent reader to imagine himself, 
or, more happily, herself, in our pleasant company, cousin and all. But 



POPULAR TABLEAUX. 



51 



first a word of warning to the intel- 
ligent reader. After many sleepless 
days, the managers had decided to 
arrange the nations in geographical 
order, as far as possible — and to 
leave the rest to Providence. 
Therefore the intelligent readers 
will do well to follow the example 
of the intelligent authors, and for- 
getting any geographical knowl- 
edge they may happen to possess, 
leave their rest to Providence 
also. They will spare themselves 
many sudden shocks and annoying 
perplexities. Such, for instance, as 
this: taking one avenue straight 
along and passing consecutively 
through Austria, South Sea Islands, 
Manayunk, Siam, China, Morocco, 
Beverly, Egypt, Darby, France, 
Switzerland, and Tipperary, ending 
up with Turkey and the Sultan 
ready, soap and towel in hand, to 
give the visitor a specimen of his 
luxurious patent bath. Or, coming 
back on the other side, to find in 
one long line, Germany, Sweden, 
Norway, England, Iceland, Doyles- 
town, Ireland, British America, 
Media, and in the corner Japan, 
where a Mandarin and a Womanda- 
rin perform " Hari Kari" every day 
to illustrate the custom of the 
country, — the same parties, how- 
ever, only appearing once in the 
same performance. 

Naturally, our own country claims 
our first and best attention. From 
Maine to Florida, from Boston to 
San Francisco, State after State, city 
after city, makes its display. In 
addition to the separate and pecu- 
liar exhibits of the States, clusters 
of identical interests from North, 
South, East, and West, attest the 
resources and development of our 



land. Let us pause for a moment 
and examine the display of the 

American Bankers' and Brokers' 
Association, 

which will serve for an example of 
these latter. 

We find the credit system very 
cleverly demonstrated. A working 
man enters into a banking house 
with his month's earnings nicely 
tied up in the corner of his handker- 
chief: a blandly smiling clerk, with 
well pared nails and laundried linen, 
receives it and notes the amount in 
the depositor's account book ; — the 
workingman departs. Then the 
proprietor enters, gives a portion of 
the money to his clerk and puts 
the remainder carefully away — in 
his pocket. In another apartment, 
the projectors of a railway company 
offer a graceful financier one-half of 
their beautifully printed stock cer- 
tificates, on condition that he floats 
the other half. A widow, with the 
money which she has just received 
as insurance upon her husband's life, 
comes upon the scene. She makes 
known to the banker her anxiety to 
invest this money securely for the 
benefit of her helpless family. He 
magnanimously spares her a portion 
of the railroad stock, charging her 
but a small commission for his ser- 
vices. With the balance of his 
stock as collateral, he borrows 
money from a national bank and 
makes a corner in flour. Through 
the window of this apartment there 
is a beautifully arranged vista, show- 
ing the banker building a magnifi- 
cent villa and settling it upon his 
wife. A third compartment con- 
tains the closing tableaux : — a meet- 
ing of assignees declaring a dividend 



52 



MISTAKEN HOSPITALITY. 



of nothing, payable in t welve,twenty- 
four, and thirty-six months, and the 
banker stepping on board of an A,l, 
steamer, to pass the remainder of his 
life in ease and luxury among the 
wonders and beauties of the old 
world. In this department also, we 
find a collection of the coins of our 
country, at which its people look in 
amazement. A father is endeavor- 
ing to explain to his son, a boy of 
twelve, what these gold and silver 
pieces were once used for. It is an 
interesting study in ancient history 
for the lad, but he is doubting as 
youth is apt to be, and does not ap- 
pear thoroughly satisfied that they 
were ever current money. 

We push our way rapidly through 
the States. Maine has her liquor 
law, charmingly framed — but we 
find her Commissioners in Kentucky 
drinking Kentucky lemonade. Ver- 
mont exhibits a green mountain 
boy ; the look in his eye belies his 
color. Massachusetts presents her 
genealogical tree. Rhode Island is 
represented by an immense specimen 
of inflated bullfrog. New York 
has on hand her canal ring, blazing 
with diamonds. Pennsylvania has 
her Switchback. Delaware another 
kind of switchback — her whipping 
post, and here we delay our progress 
to admire hers. Great bodies move 
slowly, and the Delawareans have 
great bodies — but mighty little 
souls. Their " stocks" are up, how- 
ever, and they don't seem to care. 
We suggest that the Governor of 
the State and the members of the 
Legislature be thrashed alternately 
every hour, to give a general idea 
of the modus operandi to foreigners. 
Our suggestion is not received in the 
spirit in which it is offered. 



But we do not succeed in complet- 
ing our trip through the Union this 
day. Our country cousin brings us 
to a stoppage by his absurd conduct. 

One exhibitor offered him half a 
pound of mince meat: he devoured 
it. A Connecticut woman presented 
him with a small cheese, her own 
manufacture: it followed the foot- 
steps of the meat. In Massachusetts 
he received a package of corn starch: 
he put it serenely where he kept his 
cheese. We looked upon him in 
amaze, but said nothing. A "New 
York merchant handed him a small 
cake of transparent shaving soap. 
" My golly !" he remarked, "this beats 
a lunch route," and he swallowed it 
whole. A New Jersey farmer offered 
him a string of dried apples : they 
went the way of his preceding re- 
ceipts. A Pennsylvania matron 
begged him to try a draught of her 
buttermilk : he complied, and we saw 
him swell visibly before our eyes. 
Two ounces of Virginia Baking 
Powder was the next tribute: he 
winced a little at this, but — down it 
went. We tried to stop him, but 
too late — he just chewed a small 
stick of South Carolina stove polish, 
and then the baking powder accom- 
plished its fatal mission. He men- 
tioned that he did not feel very well. 
We expressed surprise and sympathy. 
He said he felt worse, and then he 
tried to smile, but alas, the apples 
lay heavy on his soul — he couldn't. 
He asked if it wasn't time to go 
home — he said it was a splendid 
show, but he thought he'd seen 
enough of it. 

" Come home," said he, " its din- 
ner time." 

"Why," we replied, "you're not 
hungry, are you ?" 



"LONE SHIRT" ON THE CHINESE QUESTION. 



53 



He didn't answer; he turned a 
reproachful glance upon us. We 
were now in Georgia, and a colored 
man held out to him a sweet potato 
pudding. Savagely he turned upon 
that negro, his eyes rolled wildly, 
he labored under intense emotions, 
mingled emotions of cheese, soap, 
and baking powder, he uttered one 
long despairing yell and sank down 
upon the floor. A crowd gathered 
about him in a second ; two or three 
officials pushed their way through 
the assemblage and grabbed hold of 
him. " The first case," they cried 
triumphantly ; u carry him to the 
Hospital." They bore our poor 
cousin to the 

Grand International Hospital, 

east of the Main Building, and we 
followed in tears. 

A Turkish physician ran to meet 
us as we approached the structure. 
The Turks believe in radical cures 
— this one wanted to smother our 
relative between two feather beds. 
"We objected. Two Chinese doctors 
stopped us at the doorway. One 
wanted our cousin to swallow three 
green lizards, the other recommended 
the immediate extraction of all his 
front teeth. An Indian medicine 
man here commenced dancing around 
us, yelling at the top of his voice, 
and banging an old tambourine with 
the shin-bone of an ass. 

This was nothing! When we 
entered the building the interna- 
tional surgeons came down upon us 
like— like— like " a wolf on the fold." 
This was the first case, and they 
were spoiling for a job. Our cousin 
looked in their eager and varied 
faces, he gazed upon the assortment 



of cutlery flashing around him — his 
lip quivered — he closed his eyes — 
and fainted. In less than two 
seconds that 

Unfortunate Countryman 

would have been dissected, and the 
doctors engaged in mortal strife 
above his severed limbs, had not a 
most diabolical uproar outside sud- 
denly distracted their attention. 

We all rushed to the grounds, and 
a blood-freezing scene of terror met 
our eyes. 

Mr. Lone Shirt, Mr. Full o' the 
Rye, and Man with the Seven Big 
Bunions, Esq., the Chiefs of the 
Indian encampment, had been illus- 
trating their native customs by a 
sudden 

Raid on the Chinese Laundry. 

They had attired themselves in 
the napkins, towels, and nightcaps 
there contained, painted themselves 
with the washing blue, burnt down 
the building, and were just about 
finishing up things by scalping the 
startled celestials when we burst out 
upon them. The Chinese doctors 
took one glance at affairs, swallowed 
their lizards, and jumped into the 
lake north of Machinery Hall. 

The Exhibition Military, led by 
the Marine Cavalry, hurried towards 
the fearful scene. Would they be 
in time? The tomahawks of the 
Indians were raised, their hands 
grasped firmly the pigtails of their 
victims — when suddenly — behold ! 
— The savages grew rigid as though 
turned to stone, motionless they 
stood with tomahawks still elevated, 
their hands still pigtailentwisted — 



54 



"MURILLO AND RUBENS—PAINTING AND GLAZING." 



Oh providential chance ! — They had 
swallowed the starch contained 
in the laundry, and this stiffening 
was the fortuitous result. 

The managers released the half 
dead Chinamen, and pointed out 
to Messrs. Lone Shirt, Full o' the 
Rye, and Man with the Seven 
Big Bunions, the impropriety of 
their conduct. When the chief- 
tains thawed limber, they promised 
solemnly not to repeat anything of 
the kind, and smoked the liberty 
bell pipe with the laundrymen. 

This incident saved our cousin's 
life. When we returned to the 
hospital, he had vanished, much to 
the sorrow and chagrin of the disap- 
pointed M.D.'s. 

We did not feel like returning to 
the Main Hall immediately after 
this. We thought a stroll through 
Memorial Hall might be soothing to 
our system, and so we took it. 

Philadelphians familiar with that 

Chamber of Horrors 

in old Fairmount Park, which 
the Park Commissioners persist in 
styling an Art Gallery, have been 
bred up to a proper appreciation of 
the "pageant which rose like an ex- 
halation" before our admiring eyes; 
upon others, especially foreigners, 
the effect must have been tremen- 
dous. 

It is not our intention to criticize 
the pictures separately, or to draw 
invidious comparisons between the 
work of our own and other artists. 
Courtesy to our late visitors forbids 
it; and besides, the national peace 
must be preserved at any cost. We 
must admit, however, that it struck 
us that a number of the paintings 



might have been improved by a 
liberal paring at the nails from 
which they were suspended. Some 
of the Italian sketches looked to us 
as though they had been painted 
with raspberry jam. The chiara o«s- 
cura effect, so to speak, was visibly 
heightened by the tone of the 
sombre shades, and the clever inter- 
mixture of the mediaeval style with 
the ante-Raphaelite touches — the 
extreme fulness of the light and 
motion, and the mellowness of tint, 
produced, as it were, in the minds 
of connoisseurs like ourselves, the 
comparison which we have made. 

Artists, like fishes, go in schools. 
Masters, pupils, janitors, scrapers 
out, and pot boilers. They were all 
well represented, Flemish, Dutch, 
Italian, French, and American 
schools making the most extensive 
report. We will mention a few of 
the biggest paintings in the hand- 
somest frames. 

Mr. Murillo, a Spanish painter 
and glazier, sent — in addition to his 
famous " Madonna" — " The Parable 
of the Seven fat and Seven lean 
Cows." This was a six-foot-square 
job. The seven fats were done in 
oil — the leans in water-colors. 

Rubens was represented by a 
magnificent head of " Yasco De 
G-ama ;" — his feet were too large to 
frame. The likeness was excellent. 
Even a stranger, unacquainted with 
Mr. De Gama, could have recognized 
it at once — by the name in the corner. 

A fine painting of Marat, execu- 
ted by Miss Corday, was the biggest 
little gem in the French collection. 

France also sent some sacred 
paintings, among them " St. Antho- 
ny's Temptation" and " St. Vitus' 
Dance." 



THE UNDERLAND ROUTE. 



55 



Great Britain also had two sacred 
companion pieces — "Christ before the 
Priest" and " Christ after the Priest." 

In the American Department, a 
superb work entitled " The Salary," 
appealed most directly to our feelings. 
It could not have been drawn with 
more ease by a Vandyke or Paganini. 

" Wm. Penn treating the Indians" 
occupied a prominent corner. 

" The Empty Jug" was a pathetic 
masterpiece, a subject which came 
directly home to the hearts of many 
who looked upon it. 

For square inches and lavish ex- 
travagance in paint, "The Norse- 
men landing at Vineland, New Jer- 
sey," deserved a prize. 

Scores of virgins of all styles and 
sizes adorned the walls. Virgins 
clad in every costume worth men- 
tioning, and a great many not worth 
mentioning. They were consigned 
by the Angelo Factory at Rome. 

The sign and fence painters of the 
United States school made a very 
fine display. 

Rothermel had his' patent " S. T. 
1860 X." beautifully done in white- 
wash on the south wall of the build- 
ing, and Moran, who pays more at- 
tention to marine work, had " Sea- 
weed Tonic" tenderly drawn in blue 
and gold. Bierstadt, the architect, 
sent a plan for a model brewery. 

We felt so completely soothed 
after seeing this much that we 
didn't enter the statuary depart- 
ment. We left that for another day, 
and jumping on a horse-car we made 
our way over to 

Machinery Hall. 

Imagine all the machinery the 
world contains in motion at the 



same time, and add about five mil- 
lion more machines to that. This 
will bring you as near the truth as 
this volume ventures to approach. 

Fire, smoke, sweat, and labor; 
whirring and whizzing, banging 
and clanging, pounding and puffing, 
tinkling and jingling. One would 
think there were seventy thousand 
horses at work instead of the forty 
we have mentioned. Everything is 
being manufactured here — from a 
tooth-brush to a locomotive ; from a 
latch-key to a wash-boiler. Each 
workman at a machine is attended 
by another man placed there ex- 
pressly to answer questions and be 
interrogated by visitors. These lat- 
ter men are carried away and re- 
vived every hour. 

The famous individual who took 
a prize at the Paris Exposition, is 
here with his wonderful machine. 
You give him a live rabbit, and in 
fifty minutes he returns you a felt 
hat and a Welsh stew. 

Keeley's Motor was set up here a 
few days previous to the opening of 
the Exhibition, but somehow the 
machine got loose and knocked 
things into splinters. It dashed 
through the main entrance, got on 
the track of the Market Street cars, 
rushed clean down to the foot of 
Market Street, destroying every- 
thing in its way, and plunged into 
the Delaware River just eight sec- 
onds after leaving Machinery Hall. 
Workmen were put at dredging for 
it immediately, and before they gave 
up hope of recovering it, a telegram 
was received from Pekin, saying 
that it had passed through the Em- 
peror's palace, carrying the roof 
with it, and vanishing into space. 
From the hour telegraphed as the 



56 



THE INVENTION OF THE AGE. 



time of this occurrence, it was cal- 
culated that the machine landed in 
China just nineteen minutes after 
it left Elm Avenue. Mr. Keeley as- 
cribed the cause of this freak to one 
drop of water too much, being in 
the reservoir. 

There was another sort of motor 
on exhibition, however, which 
seemed especially attractive and 
novel to the boys. It consisted of 
nine strips of leather attached to a 
wooden handle. 

The improved hotel front-tooth- 
picker was an object of attention in 
the American department, as was 
also the automatic hen for laying 
egg plants. 

The patent American awning post 
rest, a neat pair of extended arms to 
support a reclining form, was much 
remarked ; and a patent range, " war- 
ranted to save half the coal," was 
very well spoken of: you buy two 



of them and you require no fuel 
at all. 

Herring's Hay Making Machine, 
for making hay in cloudy weather, 
and Rollin's improved Iron Pump, 
for the use of newspaper reporters, 
also deserve mention. 

In naming this pump to be used 
by interviewers, we must not forget 
an ingenious little instrument in- 
vented expressly for the protection 
of the parties interviewed. It is a 
silver-plated contrivance, which may 
be readily fastened to the bottom of 
any chair. The interviewer is in- 
vited to take a seat. At his first 
impertinent remark, a little knob is 
touched and a flat implement shaped 
like a No. 22 foot, begins bouncing 
up and down at the rate of seventy 
bumps a minute, and before the re- 
porter knows what has happened, 
the top of his head is interviewing 
the ceiling of the room. 




When he comes down to see what's 
the matter, this implement follows 
him to the door, accelerates his pro- 



gress down stairs, and giving him a 
parting bump on the sidewalk, shuts 
the front door and hops up stairs 



THE UNDERTAKER'S DRUMMER— A DEAD BEAT. 



5? 



again. The papers pooh-poohed this 
contrivance, but it gained a first, 
prize nevertheless. 

A French apparatus for winding 
silk out of cocoons was also truly 
wonderful. While the cocoons are 
serenely enjoying their dinner or 
dreaming of the pains and pleasures 
of the world, a huge bobbin is 
quietly unravelling their interior 
department. They don't know 
what has been going on till they 
turn around and see the silk dress 
which has been stolen from them. 

We stopped for a moment before 
a condensed baker, and saw crackers 
and biscuit baked, buttered, and eaten 
by steam. This made us think of 
lunch. We selected the American 
Restaurant from the many within 
the inclosure, and entered. 

We were politely handed chairs 
and a bill of fare. The chairs were 
low, — the bill must have been made 
out on the top of Sawyer's Observa- 
tory, there was no other way to get 
it so high. The list was printed, in 
three languages, and the customer 
was expected to pay in half a dozen 
languages, though only allowed to 
eat in an a b c. We drank a cup 
of tea, ate a biscuit, looked at the 
Beefsteak d la mode de Paris, and the 
Potatoes fricasse haute nouveate, 
sighed, and left our watches in 
pledge, while we sallied out to try 
to raise the amount of our bill on 
our life insurance. 

After completing this negotiation 
at the International Insurance Bu- 
reau, we started for the Horticultu- 
ral Building, but the 

Model Cemetery 

which we were obliged to pass, 
suited the state of our feelings so 
5 



well that we paused to examine it. 
— We soliloquized : — 

" In the midst of death we are in 
life," said we originally, — " oh death, 
sweet death, in the midst of all this 
life are we reminded of thee ; — in the 
excitement and the turmoil thy 
quietness is here. Lo, the labor of 
man's hand and the production of 
man's mind we find about us, — we 
look, we wonder, we admire, but 
what, what are these hands and 
minds to thee? Nothing ; nothing 

save the dust which in thy mill " 

We were interrupted by a gentleman 
who approached us and invited us 
to invest in one of his patent coffins. 
He had any number of testimonials 
from parties who had used them, 
stating that under no consideration 
would they use any other. He said 
we might try one, and if we didn't 
like it we needn't feel compelled to 
keep it. He seemed very anxious 
to discover whether we had any 
sickly relatives. He took us through 
the undertaker's department ; show- 
ed us shrouds, sombre trappings, gold 
and silver trimmings, rosewood cas- 
kets, all the paraphernalia for a pleas- 
ant and comfortable send ofT. He 
escorted us through the marble yard, 
mentioned what kind of a tombstone 
he thought would best suit our con- 
dition, quoted verses of poetry which 
he thought would make suitable in- 
scriptions, and was really so atten- 
tive and persistent that the truth 
dawned upon us at last; — he was 
placed there to talk visitors to death 
and brisken up business for the ex- 
hibitors. 

He earned his salary, 

whatever it was. He explained the 
system of cremation, and told us if 



58 



HOKEE POKEE WINKEE FUM. 



we had any old aunts or grand- 
mothers about the house to bring 
them down and he would take 
pleasure in demonstrating its beau- 
ties practically. He induced us to 
purchase three or four little coffins 
made from the wood in Indepen- 
dence Hall, to be worn as watch 



charms; — "very sensible mementos 
of the occasion," said he. 

It was by an almost superhuman 
effort that we broke from him at 
last, — we barely saved our lives, — 
that is all — we walked off a few 
yards and then — oh, intelligent rea- 
der, let us draw the veil ! — we our- 
selves were carried to the Hospital. 



CHAPTEE VIII. 



"THE GLOW." . . . Who helped and who enjoyed it. 

E remained in the hospital three 
days. We did not die. Unfor- 
tunately for the purchasers of this 
work and our friend of the model 
cemetery, we would not die in 
Spring time. We were discharged 
on account of the crowded state of 
the institution. Visitors were 
beginning to discover that free 
board might be obtained, by strat- 
agem, at the hospital, and the re- 
sult was that a large proportion of 
our foreign guests found this cli- 
mate very unhealthy. The doc- 
tors were cutting, dosing, and 
blistering, to their hearts' content. 
We re-entered the grounds with 
the intention of resuming our in- 
spection where we had discontinued it, but we were subjected to a severe 
nervous shock the very morning of our reappearance. 

The bones of two waiters from one of the restaurants, had been dis- 
covered in the bath-room of the Sandwich Island Commissioners, picked 
clean. The gentlemen of the legation had entrapped these unsuspecting 
servitors, plunged them into hot water, boiled them red as lobsters, and 
then made a little feast of them, a reminder of their national banquets. 
After feeding upon the poor unfortunates, they strewed their bones about 
<the apartment without the slightest regard for neatness or decency. Grief- 




DOING THE TROPICS. 



59 



stricken relatives recognized the re- 
mains by two false teeth and a glass 
eye which had not been consumed, 
and two weeping widows gathered 
up the bones, while Rye sobbing 
orphans scrubbed the floor clean. 
Our government immediately in- 
formed the court at Hawaii of this 
indiscretion on the part of its repre- 
sentatives, hinting that any repeti- 
tion in the same quarter would be 
considered a gross breach of inter- 
national etiquette. 

This incident so affected us that 
we at once applied for readmission 
to the hospital. It was refused us, 
and we were obliged to lay off for 
two days at our boarding house. 
"When we started out again we pro- 
ceeded at once to 

Agricultural Hall. 

Our early progenitors having been 
tillers of the soil, the agricultural 
display brought to mind the days of 
our youth and "the old tabby cat 
that we threw in the well." The 
turnips reminded us of the warm 
pressure of a parent's hand ; the early 
apples caused our thoughts to wander 
to the big peppermint bottle in the 
kitchen cupboard ; in looking upon 
the luscious ox-heart cherries, we 
could imagine the bark of our neigh- 
bor's dog ; the parsnips brought to 
mind the face of our ancient school- 
mistress, the beets recalled to us her 
blessed ratan, and the sight of the 
onions finished up things by bring- 
ing tears to our eyes. 

In addition to productions of the 
soil, this department contained much 
of the field machinery for which 
America is so justly famous — agri- 
cultural implements, from an oyster 



knife to a haywagon ; farm stock, 
from a potato bug to a prize ox ; 
kitchen garden preparations, from a 
rhubarb pie to a paregoric dump- 
ling. 

The building was divided into 
tropics. At one end the tropic of 
Cancer, named in honor of an Ameri- 
can disease; at the other, the tropic 
of Capricorn, a cereal indigenous to 
our soil. The other seven tropics 
were sprinkled between, at regular 
intervals. The live stock exhibit, 
belonging to this portion of the Ex- 
position, was most interesting. Lit- 
tle piggy-wiggies with their tails 
neatly tied in red, white, and blue 
ribbon; representatives of turkey 
and shanghai amicably sharing the 
same Indian meal ; horses eating out 
of silver plated fodder boxes ; colts 
chewing at rosewood hitching posts; 
animated mutton chops and un devil- 
led kidneys calculated to make an 
epicure's mouth water ; goats, cows, 
calves, heifers, and most rare of all, 
real, genuine, spring chickens, the 
very sort which the poet has so 
touchingly described in his sweet 
lines 

" You may fricassee, roast them, or stew, as 
you will, 
But the scent of the egg shell will cling 
round them still." 

There was also connected with 
this department an aviary, contain- 
ing specimens of agricultural birds, 
from a bee to an ostrich. 

A little corner given up to old 
women and their herbs was so sug- 
gestive as to be painful ; we steered 
clear of it and endeavored to rid our 
olfactories of the remembrance of 
catnip and senna, by hieing us to 
the birds, flowers, perfumes, and 



60 



UNWARRANTED LIBERTIES. 



fountains c^ Horticultural Hall. On 
our way thither we passed 

The Women's Department. 

We became aware of our approach 
to this sacred locality, by the Sab- 
bath-like stillness which marked 
the vicinity. Into the pavilions no 
male foot was allowed to tread. The 
sides were of glass, and tickets mere- 
ly conferred the privilege of looking 
through the transparent surface. 
We hinted in the preceding pages 
at some trouble concerning the erec- 
tion of this building, and the ladies 
in a spirit of refined sarcasm, had 
made it a monument of man's 
tyranny by building the wooden 
and iron work of broken broom han- 
dles, twisted pokers, and ruptured 
fire shovels. The cement was mixed 
with handfuls of short human hair 
of variegated colors and various de- 
grees of fineness. 

Women from all parts of the 
world were here on exhibition. All 
colors, nationalities, styles, and com- 
plexions, were properly classified 
and arranged within their respect- 
ive departments. Each woman was 
ticketed with a fancy label, on which 
was inscribed her, name, age, nativ- 
ity, weight, prominent qualities and 
general record. With a few excep- 
tions in the Asiatic and African 
avenues, the women were ticketed 
"These Goods Not For Sale." 

In the American District, there 
were some few notices such as 
" Applying for a Divorce, 
" Four months' Widow," 
"Open for Negotiations." 

The greatest order and most sys- 
tematic detail was everywhere ob- 
servable. Each age, from eighteen 



to eighty years, had a separate dis- 
trict. Those exceeding the latter 
age were carefully packed away in 
the sub-cellar. 

Electric wires being attached to 
each department, General Hawley 
sat comfortably in his office, and as 
he touched the springs, the women 
smiled, frowned, wept, and laughed 
in concert. 

We remained gazing upon this in- 
teresting exhibit, until we felt the 
temptation to break through the 
glass growing too strong for us, 
when we continued our way and 
entered the building sacred to Flora 
and Pomona, or in other words 

Horticultural Hall. 

Pansies and violets! Sunflowers 
and forget-me-nots!! Rhododen- 
drons and daffodils ! ! ! Buttercups 
and dahlias ! ! ! ! Never, never, never, 
had such a thing been seen before. 
Every plant and every flower was 
labelled with its name and peculiar- 
ity, just like the women we had left. 
In some cases this did very well, in 
others it did very ill. Take, for 
instance, a single section — nay, but 
a small portion of the section, the 
hyacinth department, and see what 
hurt our feelings. 

" Amy ; dazzling carmine, large 
spike." 

" Duchess of Richmond ; rose color ; 
fine truss." 

" Mr. Macaulay; light green, thin, 
large truss, watery." 

" Maria Theresa ; striped ; perfect 
form." • 

" Madame De Talleyrand ; pure, 
large compact truss, extra fine bell." 

"Mrs. Beecher Stowe; very 
showy spike." 



YOUTHFUL DEPRAVITY. 



61 



"Anna Paulowna; deep; pure 
white eye, large truss," and so on. 

"We know nothing whatever about 
either spike or truss, but we did not 
like this publicity of description 
one bit. Now, "Diebitsch Sabal- 
kansky; brilliant carmine, late," 
nobody cares about. It makes no 
difference to anybody save his wife, 
whether Mr. Sabalkansky is early or 
late in his habits; but to have the 
heroines of our dreams, like Mrs. 
Beecher Stowe and Anna Paulowna, 
ticketed so slightingly, was more 
than we could bear with equanimity. 

We wandered for hours among 
the grand Victoria JRegias, the sweet- 
scented Heparusa Ion gif olios, the su- 
perb Glozianas, the tiny Hopdedoodle 
calaboosas, and the stately Acacias. 
Fountains of rose-water splashed 
their sparkling drops among the 
dense and brilliant foliage; cata- 
racts of soda-water scattered misty 
bicarbonate sprays upon the orna- 
mental verdure. There were walks 
of shady palms, groves of graceful 
maples, African cedars, and South 
American vines. The hall, like the 
waist of Athen's maid, was zone 
encircled. We paused for an instant 
beneath an India-rubber tree and 
gave full stretch to our imagination. 
We wondered what this world would 
be without flowers — a body without 
a soul. If the soul of man is God's 
breath, the flowers are His smile. 
"Love flowers," we said, imagina- 
tively, to the people around us; "the 
promises of Heaven are written on 
their leaves. At births and mar- 
riages they are symbols of death, for 
with the fading sunlight they too 
fade ; but white and pure upon the 
breast of the silent sleeper, 'tis life 
they typify, the life which knows no 



night — love flowers and teach your 
children to love them." 

Thinking of flowers and children 
brought to mind the 

Swedish Nursery and Kinder- 
garten 

erected upon the grounds, and we 
resolved to visit it before nightfall. 
We arrived there just in time to 
witness a good old-time spanking in 
the Swedish style, which is the Nor- 
way of doing it also. Both the 
delight and labor afforded the two 
participants in the operation seemed 
very unequally divided. We heard 
the schoolboy yell in Swedish, how- 
ever, and learned how Swedish night- 
ingales were made. The Swedish 
scholar is evidently not a model, 
though his school-house may be. 
Bat we must admit that the Ame- 
rican youth surpasses all others in 
mischievous precocity. This fact 
was made painfully apparent just 
previous to the opening of the exhi- 
bition, in the trial of a little boy four 
years of age, son of one of the Park 
Guards, for larceny. Judge Finletter 
occupied the bench. We will insert 

The Case. 

The Park Commissioners furnish 
a certain quantity of old horse shoes, 
nails, and scraps of iron, semi- weekly, 
for the purpose of keeping the foun- 
tain of iron water in the Park up to 
the proper medicinal standard. This 
material is placed in the charge of 
one of the guards, and the lad had 
been in the habit of abstracting 
quantities of the metal and dispos- 
ing of it, it was alleged, to the 
Phcenix Iron Works. This latter 



A BURNING SHAME. 



allegation is not yet proven. Should 
such be the fact, we must deploringly 
conclude that a large quantity of the 
iron used in the construction of the 
Girard Avenue Bridge was obtained 
from this source. We shall suspend 
judgment, however, and continue 
using the bridge as usual until the 
firm is heard from and the matter 
settled. The boy was hanged. 

We obtained permission from the 
Superintendent of the Kindergarten 
to relate this little incident to young 
Sweden. We warned him against 
having Park guards for fathers, and 
demonstrated the pettiness of such 
a business as selling old iron, when 
the very highest price to be realized 
therefrom, under the most favorable 
circumstances and general state of 
commerce, is half a cent a pound. 
The children rose in a body when 
we had concluded and passed us a 
vote of thanks, so we left the esta- 
blishment in the consciousness of 
duty well performed, and resolved 
to send our children of the future 
to Sweden to be kindergartened. 

Next morning we started out very 
early, with the determination of pro- 
ceeding at once to the Main Build- 
ing to make a tour among the foreign 
exhibitors, but our progress was ar- 
rested by the most remarkable occur- 
rence ever happening in a civilized 
country. 

The day previous, Alderman Car- 
penter, of the Central Station, had 
invited 

Prince Hadjee Sadi Curryhotte, 

cousin of the Rajah of India, to drive 
with him through the Park. The 
Alderman having been the recipient 
of much attention from crowned 



heads during his recent visit to the 
old world, desired to reciprocate, 
hence the invitation. Most unfor- 
tunately, however, on approaching 
the Zoological Gardens, a train of 
cars rattled suddenly over the Penn- 
sylvania Railroad Bridge. The 
horses became frightened, Carpenter 
lost control of the animals, the car- 
riage was overturned, and Curry- 
hotte, falling upon his head, was 
killed instantly. Of course this oc- 
currence caused no surprise to Phila- 
delphia's. Upsets and "accidental 
deaths" in the Park from the same 
cause are looked for and expected at 
least three times a week ; the trouble 
arose from the fact that the Prince 
had his wife in this country with 
him. As soon as she ascertained 
that she was a widow, she resolved 
upon a suttee. She called her rela- 
tives and friends together and bade 
them get the funeral pile in readi- 
ness upon the 

"Grand Plaza," 

where the fireworks are usually ex- 
hibited. The gentleman in charge 
of the model cemetery, already men- 
tioned in these annals, was the only 
Caucasian informed of her intention, 
and he cheerfully colored his face, 
donned the flowing robes of a Brah- 
min, and accepted the appointment 
of Master of Ceremonies. 

Imagine our astonishment at com- 
ing upon this scene. The fire was 
crackling merrily away, the corpse 
was frizzling a beautiful brown, and 
the assembled participants were sing- 
ing Hindoo hymns. The Master of 
Ceremonies was standing at the head 
of the flames with the widow in his 
arms. He was waiting till her hus- 



"WHOSE FUNERAL IS THIS?" 



band should be nearly gone before 
he chucked her on, in order to keep 
up the fun as long as possible. 
"Stop! hold!!" we shouted, as 



soon as we could control enough 
breath to utter the sounds ; " stop ! 
We cannot allow any such proceed- 
ings — drop that woman." 




The Master of Ceremonies turned 
upon us fiercely — 

" Whose funeral is this ?" he asked 
ironically, and there was a wicked 
gleam in his eye which plainly indi- 
cated that he wasn't going to be 
defrauded of his job without a 
struggle. " Go on with the music," 
he added, turning to the Hindoos, 
who had ceased singing at tne inter- 
ruption, and he raised the widow in 
his arms ready for the throw. Our 
bosoms swelled; we were about to 
annihilate him, when chance inter- 
vened to save his life. Some rumor 
of the contemplated ceremony had 
reached the ears of the Park Com- 
missioners. Naturally indignant 
that any such thing should take 
place in the Park, without their 
permission being first asked and 
obtained, they now came rushing 
upon the ground with their little 



fire engine, closely followed by the 
Insurance Patrol. In less time than 
it takes to record it, the widow was 
wrapped up in oil skin blankets, the 
natives were howling other than 
hymn tunes, and the fire and Master 
of Ceremonies were both put out by 
well-directed streams of water. The 
latter threatened vengeance. He 
was the most disappointed man we 
have ever seen. 

Whether war with India will be 
the result of this interference in a 
national and religious custom, the 
future alone can tell. We proceed- 
ed upon our way, and entering the 
Centennial precincts, the world 
within the palings, we passed a 
week in inspecting the 

Foreign Departments. 

The foreign display within the 
Main Building was grand, that out- 



64 



WE SEE NO SENORITAS. 



side was grander still. Had our 
minds been one whit less strong, we 
should have been bewildered by the 
conglomeration. 

Turkish kiosks, Chinese pagodas, 
Japanese pavilions, Arabian tents, 
Persian bazaars, Egyptian temples, 
Mohammedan mosques, Gypsy en- 
campments, and American drinks, 
enough to confuse any one. Then 
monuments, booths, fountains, and 
cigar stands innumerable. We will 
give one day as an example of our 
travels. 

We enter an Egyptian structure 
and behold an oriental barber shav- 
ing one of his countrymen. Egypt 
cannot teach us anything about shav- 
ing our countrymen; we do not linger 
here. As we leave the building a 
Russian britzska, a carriage invented 
especially for the use of spelling bees, 
dashes by us drawn by the very 
cream of Tartar steeds. We catch 
on behind until we reach a Persian 
bazaar. We gaze upon the long 
bearded native men, and the white 
shrouded native women, busily en- 
gaged in their national occupation 
of going to sleep, and become 
wrapped up in the shawls of imagi- 
nation. We are aroused by a wail- 
ing outside, cries of grief mingled 
with curses and lamentations in 
choice Persian and gum Arabic. 
The cause of this wailing was soon 
made evident. 

Little Johnny Shah, 

heir-apparent to the throne of Per- 
sia, in a laudable thirst for knowl- 
edge, offered a piece of cake to one 
of the young lions in the Zoological 
Gardens. He wished to find out 
how old he was, by his teeth. The 



experiment will not affect the scien- 
tific world as much as it did the 
young Persian. That lion may still 
be seen picking finger-nails out of 
his teeth, and as all lo} r al subjects 
in Persia are expected to do as their 
sovereign does, a dispatch sent to 
Teheran announced the pleasing in- 
telligence, that under the next Shah 
it would be the fashion to wear but 
half a finger and a thumb on the 
left hand. We remain awhile to 
share the grief of the stricken father 
and seventeen mothers, and then 
resume our pilgrimage. 

We pause for a moment before 
the French restaurant, enraptured, 
looking at the pretty girls and 
other dainties served up there. We 
decline the invitation of a Chinese 
drummer, hanging around to in- 
veigle parties into the restaurant 
established by his country,* with a 
long rigmarole about " kittens fried 
in castor oil," and enter the Main 
Hall. 

We land in the desert of Sahara, 
but desert Sahara and step over to 
Spain. We look for bright-eyed 
seiioritas, with black lace veils and 
stringless guitars ; we have been edu- 
cated to expect this in Spain, by the 
ladies of the "International Tea 
Party." We are disappointed ; we 
find a few men who look as if they 
had walked all the way from Mad- 
rid, selling wine, fruit, and olive 
oil. We pass through Portugal; 
more wine, fruit, and olive oil. We 
hop through Japan, change a ten 
cent note for a bushel of their "hard 
money," and sachey on. We linger 
for hours in fair France, principally 
in the Paris department. We saunter 
through Austria, stopping to speak 
a word of complimentary encourage- 



A STATE SECRET. 



65 



nient to the Emperor, who looks a 
little down-hearted, evidently think- 
ing of Vienna; then through Ger- 
many and Switzerland, until we 
reach Great Britain. 

She is gay and festive. She ex- 
hibits models of all her public 
buildings, among the most interest- 
ing being the tower in which Anna 
Bowlegs was decapitated. The 
order of this lady's- garter too is very 
curious, and is exhibited, together 
with her marriage certificate. The 
only article sold in this department is 

"Windsor Soap, 

put up in neat boxes, fac similes of 
the castle in which its peculiar 
properties were first discovered. 
Victoria and the girls are faithful 
attendants at the table. They are 
assisted by Mr. John Bright, the 
eminent proprietor of a popular kid- 
ney disease, and also by the Chief of 
our Fire Department, who is suspi- 
ciously attentive to the oldest of the 
ladies. We end up our day's travels 
in Eussia. The tardy participation 
of this power was attributed in 
some quarters to the exertions of 
a Mrs. Catacrazy, who was offended 
by a Washington lady, and took 
this means, it is said, of "getting 
even." Such is not the fact. The 
cause was, briefly, as follows : — 

Prince Gortschakoff 

visited this country incognito a short 
time ago, and of course passed a few 
days in Philadelphia. One day, 



leisurely walking through East 
Park, with his clay pipe in his 
mouth and his shillalah in his hand, 
he carelessly broke a small spray of 
green from a bush by the wayside 
and stuck it in his hat. A careful 
Park guard saw him and arrested 
him at once, on a charge of malicious 
mischief. The Prince remonstrated 
in choice Russian. The guard, pre- 
tending not to understand him, an- 
swered in Chaldaic, and dragged him 
before Magistrate Smith. He was 
fined five dollars for destroying the 
shubbery and ten dollars for speak- 
ing disrespectfully to a Park guard. 
When it was discovered who the 
offender was, Mr. Wm. M. Bunn, in 
his capacity as Guardian of the Poor, 
at once paid the fine. Mr. Bunn 
explained to the Prince what a 
valuable country this was, when a 
foreigner is obliged to pay five dol- 
lars for a single green sprig. 

Gortschakoff gratefully presented 
Mr. Bunn with the order of the 
" Golden Fleece," and regretted that 
he hadn't another to bestow upon 
the magistrate. 

This and this alone was the cause, 
and we tell it confidentially to our 
countrymen. 

The tardiness, however, did not 
materially affect either the exhibit 
of Eussia or the success of the Ex- 
position. Indeed, the French visitors 
freely asserted that the Exhibition 
far surpassed the Vienna fair of '72, 
and the German guests boldly de- 
clared, with a unanimous voice, its 
superiority to the Paris Exhibition 
of '67. 



66 



SOARING GENIUS. 



CHAPTEE IX. 



" THE FLICKEKING." . . . How it dimmkd and how it brightened. 




ATHER TIME seemed to be the 
only Philadelphian who did not 
deviate from his ordinary course 
of life during the Exhibition 
months. He continued sowing 
and reaping as usual; cutting the 
blooming flowers from the stem 
of the year, and counting the 
sands which carried with them 
into oblivion, gradually but surely, 
exhibition, visitors, commission- 
ers, and restaurant keepers. But 
though his children were unable 
to prolong a single passing mo- 
ment, they managed to crowd into 
each day as much novelty and 
excitement as would ordinarily 
suffice for a twelvemonth, and 
they got the better of the old man in this way. 

To attempt a record of one tithe of the many occurrences deserving 
immortalization at our hands, would be to meet with failure as complete 
as that which attended the experiment of Mr. Charles Airy, of Georgia, 
with his flying-machine, upon the third day of June, 1876. 

This young man had communicated with that eminent scientist, Mayor 
Stokley, about a year previous to the attempt. The Mayor, who delights 
in encouraging genius of all kinds, promised his countenance to a trial trip 
of the machine at Philadelphia during the Centennial year. 

"J will go with you," he promised, "I, myself, will ascend with you 
into the illimitable ether; together will we make the attempt, together 
will we share the glory." 

This fact becoming known, Messrs. Daniel Dougherty and George 
Francis Childs, anxious to imitate so noble an example, entered their 
names, too, upon the ship's books for the voyage. Airy was happy, and 
his happiness became delirious joy when, a week previous to the date of 
departure, he received another application worded as follows: — 



HE COMETH NOT. 



67 



"I long to soar above this world 
of trials. False outwardness weighs 
upon my heart; the scent of earth 
smothers the zephyrean impulses of 
my soul. Take me with you. Yon, 
yon, into that blissful atmospheric 
belt where hay -fevers are unknown. 
"Confidingly yours, 

"H. W. B." 

The report of the coming trial of 
this air-ship spread rapidly through- 
out the land. Scientific men, rail- 
road agents, and rapid transit specu- 
lators arrived in flocks and examined 
and re-examined the various rods, 
wires, screws, governors, pistons, 
cogs, gauges, and cranks. The news- 
papers, too, were lavish with prepa- 
ratory pufts. Fate willed, however, 
that they should not be strong 
enough to blow success. 

The machine was constructed in 
the shape of an American eagle with 
outstretched wings. A neat little 
boudoir was fitted up for passengers 
between the ribs, and a refrigerator 
for provisions was suspended from 
the beak. 

The eventful morning arrived and 
saw an immense concourse of people 
at the foot of Sawyer's Observatory, 
from the summit of which the expe- 
rimental flight was to be made at 
10 o'clock precisely. At that hour 
the inventor was on hand, attired 
in pink tights and spangles. A note 
was handed to him by Mr. Sawyer; 
he read it aloud to the assemblage — 

" My Dear Airy : I am unable to 
rise even from my bed, so of course 
can't go up with you to-day. The 
doctor has just examined my silvery 
tongue, and bids me stay at home. 
He thinks I have been high enough 
this week, and says, jocosely, having 



been on a lark I had better c shoot 
the eagle.' I lie here as I write you 
this note. Better luck next time. 
"Dougherty." 

Airy was disappointed, and his 

countenance grew longer when a 

second note quickly followed the 
first: — 

" Sad and broken are my spirits. 
I am out of heart to-day, for my 
hope of flying with you has itself 
just flown away. My young man 
has left the office, gone to meet his 
brother Jim, I must take the adver- 
tisements, hitherto received by him. 
Were I not tied to my Ledger — free 
upon my native wilds, naught but 
death could keep me from you. 
" Ever yours, 

" George Francis Childs." 

" Never mind," sighed Airy, " as 
long as Stokley sticks by me, I 
don't care." But alas, the hour 
for starting came and passed, and 
Stokley put in no appearance. 
Another hour winged its silent 
flight, and the people below grew 
impatient. Thirty minutes more, 
and the Mayor was still among the 
wanting. Twelve o'clock pealed 
simultaneously from the restaurant 
clocks, always half an hour fast, and 
the inventor had sadly made up his 
mind to start alone, when a figure 
waving a red handkerchief appeared 
upon the brow of George's Hill. 
"Ah," shouted Airy, "Stokley at 
last— I knew he'd come." 

The figure hurried on, but soon 
those upon the Observatory could 
see that it was not the Mayor. 
'Twas a more ponderous form, bare- 
headed, with a wealth of silver 
locks floating in the wind. 



68 



YE GALLANT TAR AND HIS MORTAR. 



" "Wait for me," it cried, " oil 
wait for me, I pray I" and ten min- 
utes later the great Plymouth 
preacher stood grasping Airy by 
the hand. 

" Let smiles, like summer buds, 
adorn the pastures of thy face — I'm 
here!" 

There was a bustle in the crowd, 
and the people cheered and cheered 
again, when it became evident that 
the wonderful machine was soon to 
move. The passenger was handed 
into the boudoir, and the inventor, 
getting astride of the metallic bird, 
tucked his coat tails beneath its 
sacred wings. The excitement be- 
low was intense. 

" I will wait five minutes more for 
Stokley," said Mr. Airy ; "he will be 
so disappointed if he finds I have 
started without him." 

Suddenly the telegraphic wires 
attached to the bird's tail began to 
work ; — a message from Stokley at 
last. 

" Can't come ; wife won't let me 
— bon voyage — Bill." 

"Let go the ropes," shouted 
Airy. 

The strings were cut from the 
eagle's talons, and the great machine 
with a rush and a flutter, rose ma- 
jestically five hundred feet in the 
air, and — majestically staid there. 
Then the intrepid rider began hunt- 
ing for the screw designed to effect 
a downward motion, and the passen- 
ger in the boudoir began to look 
pale and anxious. The crowd below 
saw a little man frantically jerking 
at wires and springs, turning screws 
and varying gauges, and a metallic 
eagle stationery in the air above 
them. 

The inventor's exertions were in 



vain ; the machine wouldn't go up 
and wouldn't come down. There 
hung the noble bird with its noble 
freight, like Mahomet's coffin, 
'twixt earth and heaven. Night 
fell and the eagle didn't. The pale 
moon rose up slowly and calmly, 
she looked down, and her man 
seemed to be laughing at the un- 
fortunate aeronauts. A week passed, 
and the refrigerator being empty, it 
was dropped from the bird's beak in 
the hope of effecting a change of 
position; — but all in vain. That 
machine became an object of exclu- 
sive interest, and hundreds of plans 
were devised for reaching it, but 
without avail. Mortars were 
brought from the Navy Yard and 
provisions were shot up to the in- 
ventor, and bouquets and slippers to 
his companion. A loaf of rye bread 
hit the proud American eagle in the 
eye, and a veal cutlet knocked out 
the passenger's front teeth. On the 
twelfth day of their elevation, a 
rope two miles long, manufactured 
expressly for the purpose, was tied 
around the body of a young porker. 
Piggy was then shot up from a 
mortar aimed by Mr. A. E. Borie, 
whose experience as Secretary of 
the Navy made him best fitted for 
the delicate and important task. 
The choice was well made ; the por- 
ker landed in the passenger's lap 
and was clasped to his bosom in a 
convulsive embrace. Then a dis- 
cussion arose in the air ship as to 
which of the twain should be first 
lowered. A penny was tossed, and 
of course the passenger won. The 
haggard inventor sighed and sub- 
mitted to the decree of fate. But 
the moment the great preacher was 
out of the machine, while he yet 



SINGLES, DOUBLES, AND TRIPLETS. 



69 



dangled in air, it collapsed, and 
before the pitying and astounded 
crowd could utter the cry which 
rose to its lips, the wonderful aerial 
ship was a ton of old metal and 
straps, strewed about the Centennial 
grounds. The passenger came down, 
as he does all things, gracefully, and 
was caught in the outstretched arms 
of a delegation of his flock. Mr. 
Airy was shipped back to Georgia 
in sunburnt sections, just as he was 
found, a leg to-day, a thumb to- 
morrow, and a nose next week. 
They were still receiving small con- 
signments of him at headquarters at 
last accounts. Coroner's verdict: — 
"Too much gas in the balloon to 
allow it to come down, and not 
enough to carry it up higher." 

This failure cast a gloom over the 
exhibition, which was not dispelled 
until the 21st day of the month, 
when the great " cricket match" 
was inaugurated. 

This was an interesting occasion, 
long anticipated in sporting circles. 
The celebrated "Newhall Eleven" 
was to be pitted against the " All 
Comers Eleven," for the champion- 
ship of America, a silver belt and a 
tin water vessel in the shape of a 
pocket flask. 

The game was called at five 
o'clock in the morning, upon the 
International cricket ground in the 
rear of Horticultural Hall. The 
" Newhall Eleven" was sent to the 
bat, Hen and Bill having charge of 
the wickets, with Herb Meade and 
Pop Beer attending to the bowls. 

Henry began by drawing his leg 
for one, and continued this surgical 
operation by drawing his arm for 
another one, which made two. 
Bill started off and lost his stump, 



which was picked up by Pop Beer, 
who regretted to find it out. Pete 
I^ewhall then came in. By a hit to 
square leg he made four, and by a 
miss to round leg, six. The game 
now became exciting. Three leg 
bails and two leg byes were scored 
on Herb Meade, who after following 
with two wides and one narrow, 
was relieved by Joe Large. He 
began with a maiden who brought 
in a single, double, and triplets in 
quick succession. Hen Newhall was 
caught out by Beer, and his brother 
Tim came to the scratch confident 
and fresh as a daisy. He gave evi- 
dence of care-ful training, and got in 
a good cut with his pocket knife. 
He followed this with a drive 
through the park, after which 
several more maidens were gallantly 
picked up by Messrs. Outerbridge 
and Wirebridge, when, the crowd 
being asleep, the continuation of the 
game was postponed until the next 
day. 

Tim Newhall retired gracefully 
on a squirmer, and Ike came in on a 
check, opening with a splendid hit 
under the ropes beyond the bottle 
holder, scoring four. Joe Large 
here burnt his fingers on a hot liner, 
and Ike, by a hit between long leg 
and short leg, scored another two. 
The bowlers were then changed for 
Messrs. Caldwell and Calledill, and 
the game proceeded. 

The Newhall Eleven continued 
gallivanting among maidens and 
wides and byes, until they had 
scored 202, when the selected eleven 
went in. They could do nothing, 
however, against the heavy NTewhall 
bowling. Large, Small, and Medium 
went out in one, two, three, order. 
Caldwell caught a ball between his 



70 



THE DIN OF WAR. 



teeth and held it there while he 
made twenty-three runs, winning 
the tin flask for the hest individual 
score, hut beyond this the play was 
weak. 



We shall not attempt a chemical 
analysis of the bowling, hut merely 
give the following record of runs, 
which contains all that is historical 
— the result. 



"Newhall Eleven:' 

Runs. 

George Newhall .... 20 

Sam. Newhall 19 

Hen Newhall 18 

Bill Newhall 17 

Ike Newhall 18 

Tim Newhall ..... 19 

Pete Newhall 18 

Boh Newhall 19 

Dave Newhall 17 

Ed. Newhall 17 

Oldhall himself .... 20 

Total 202 

In compliance with the request of 
the Executive Committee, this was 
the only inning played. Too many 
foreign visitors lost their fortunes 
in betting to admit of a continu- 
ance. 

The day after this match things 
looked gloomy again. The Phila- 
delphia Rifle Club, designing to 
take part in the International 
Shooting Match in September, went 
out to the Park to practise, taking 
the shield-like boards containing 
the Park Regulations for targets. 
In seven minutes four little children 
were shot dead. 'Tis true they were 
very little children, and their pa- 
rents had plenty more of the same 
kind at home ; still the occurrence 
was unpleasant. Fortunately the 
Park Commissioners interfered with 
this mode of practising before any 
of the sign-boards had been injured. 
. An American Camp Meeting and 
a Mock Battle were the other prin- 



"Selected Eleven. 


j* 




Runs 


Joseph Large 


Ephraim Small . 






. 


Manassah Medium 






. 


John Outerbridge 






. 15 


Jim Innerbridge . 






. 14 


Fred Wirebridge . 






. 13 


Herb Meade . . . 






5 


Pop Beer . . . 






. 4 


Jake Caldwell . . , 






23 


MoeCalledill . . . 






11 


Abe Rooster . . 






2 


Total . . . . 






87 



cipal novelties which filled out the 
programme of the week. We stayed 
away from the camp-meeting on 
principle — they kept perpetually 
passing the contribution box, so of 
course we know nothing of it, and 
were not benefited by it. The mock 
battle, however, was entirely in our 
line. We come from old Revolu- 
tionary stock. The powder box is 
among our earliest recollections, and 
we cut our first teeth on bullets. 
A really first-class mock battle 
thrills us to the core. We are ready 
to look on at any time. 

The militia encamped in the 
vicinity of Belmont, and formed 
during some months of the Exposi- 
tion, a most attractive feature. 
The boys, in neat white tents, with 
carpeted floors, walnut furniture, and 
spring-chicken breakfasts, endured 
all the luxuries of real camp-life. 
They were compelled to rise at eight 
o'clock every morning, black their 



THE COMBAT DEEPENS— OX, YE BRAVES ! 



11 



boots, brush their hair, and prepare 
to meet- their lady friends. At 2 
P. M. the roll was called, and every 
man was required to report for 
dinner ; after which, the army drove 
around the Park in carriages sup- 
plied by the Commissioners. Foreign 
commanders of all grades and 
nationalities pronounced them the 
cleanest, neatest, jauntiest lot of 
heroes they had ever seen. Small 
wonder that the boys wanted a 
fieht! 

The battle was to be followed by 
a hop. Special invitations by Dreka, 
on tinted paper adorned with suita- 
ble monograms, were sent to the 
lady acquaintances of the warriors 
taking part. The ground was well 
sprinkled with saw-dust for the 
convenience and protection of the 
dying and the dead. 

At eight A. M., the boys having 
risen an hour earlier than usual, 
Col. R. Dale Benson entered the 
ring and rode around it three times 
at break-neck speed, amid the tre- 
mendous plaudits of a tremendous 
crowd. In one hand he carried the 
stars and stripes; in the other, his 
unsheathed sword. His horse's 
bridle he held between his teeth. 
With a final "Houp La," he van- 
ished behind the screen. General 
"Wagner, who commanded the op- 
posing party, then rode in, bowed 
to the audience, and placed a chip of 
wood on his left shoulder. Benson 
returned, minus the flag, and boldly 
knocked the chip off. This was the 
signal for the fray. Drums were 
beat, trumpets sounded; the crowd 
applauded, children shrieked, women 
fainted, and amid all the din, — 

" Forth from the canvas tent, 
Marched the First Regiment," 



while from the opposite side of the 
field, the Second Regiment and the 
Jersey Blues approached, preceded 
by the West Point Drum Corps. 
Around from the left wing, cau- 
tiously moving forward, came the 
Keystone Battery, each swarthy gun- 
ner with a camelia in his button- 
hole, while the City Troop, bounc- 
ing upon their martial steeds, came 
gaily from the right. Suddenly their 
captain, Rogers, rushed to the cen- 
tre of the arena. He waved his 
sword on high. 

" Forward, the Light Brigade — 
Charge for the guns," he said ; and, 
quick as thought, the swarthy gun- 
ners were flying like chaff before 
the wind. 

And now broke out the dread roll 
of musketry, and the air was ob- 
scured by the terrible smoke of war. 
The First Regiment fired four vol- 
leys in quick succession, to make 
the smoke thick, and then fell flat 
to the ground. Meantime, the Jer- 
sey Blues dashed forward with fixed 
bayonets to recapture the battery 
and return it to the swarthy gun- 
ners, who were now distributed 
around various parts of the Park. 
The nervous excitement among the 
lookers-on became almost too great 
to bear. Don Carlos of Spain, who 
was on the grand stand, pulled off 
his coat and was only restrained 
from jumping into the ring through 
the exertions of General Grant, 
whose own pulse was beating high. 

The smoke cleared away, and then 
leapt into the milee the star of the 
entertainment, General Philip Sheri- 
dan, standing erect upon his bare- 
backed steed. Shout upon shout 
greeted his appearance, and it was 
fully five minutes before the audi- 



72 



WHOOP! 



ence would allow the battle ito pro- 
ceed. 

The City Troop stood immovable 
before the gleaming bayonets of 
their assailants; the First and Se- 
cond Regiments popped away at 
each other with blank cartridges, 



and General Sheridan, alone in the 
centre of the field, uttered the wild 
blood-curdling whoop which he had 
learned from the savages, and which 
stands him in such good service in 
his married life. Few women could 
brave a whoop like that. 




: ~^%$^m*Wfi^g^B 



Such was the position of the field, 
and victory seemed doubtful upon 
which banner to perch. 

"Surrender!" shouted the Captain 
of the Jersey Blues. 

"Never!" thundered Eogers of the 
Troop. 

"Whoop! whoop!" came thril- 
lingly from the lungs of Sheridan. 

"Advance in solid square and 
flank them on both ends," com- 
manded Benson of the doughty 
First. 

" Open ranks, trap them into your 
centre and then close about them," 
ordered Col. Neff, of the Invincible 
Second. , 

"Whoop! whoop! whoop!" yelled 
Little Phil. 



"Hold one moment," sounded a 
deep full voice above all the rest, 
the voice of Sherman, the umpire ; 
" who's to win this battle ? It's past 
lunch time and I should like the 
thing decided." 

At the word "lunch," a change 
came o'er the scene. 

"We surrender," remarked Ro- 
gers. 

"Whoop!" shouted Sheridan for 
the last time, and Col. Benson, 
mounting one of the guns, crowed 
lustily. The warriors, covered with 
sawdust and glory, then mingled 
with the crowd ; and when we left 
the ladies were busily engaged brush- 
ing the former from the uniforms of 
their favorites, who were modestly 



A GOOD TURN. 



73 



receiving the latter in the congratu- 
lations of all around them. 

We didn't wait for the hop, but 
learned that it was as satisfactory as 
the military display. 

And so passed the time until that 
day of days, the Fourth of July, 
1876. One hundred thousand Ame- 
ricans, who had not taken part in 
their country's first birth-day cele- 
bration, resolved to atone for that 
neglect upon this occasion. Statues 
were to be unveiled, fountain's dedi- 
cated, salutes fired, and fireAvorks 
exploded. An enthusiastic astrono- 
mer predicted that the sun would 
rise an hour earlier than the regula- 
tion time for the season upon this 
great day, and his augury proved 
correct. 

At four o'clock A. M. the Mayor of 
the city, who, with the members of 
Councils, had slept upon the grounds, 
entered the Main Exhibition Hall, 
read a few chapters of the Bible 
from the top of the southeastern 
tower, and finished up with his 
usual proclamation forbidding the 
firing of guns and pistols other than 
those specially ordered for the sa- 
lutes. A selected choir of myste- 
rious pilgrims then sang a choice 
collection of hymns. 

At the conclusion of this religious 
exercise, free lunch and forty thou- 
sand loaves of bread were distributed 
from the steps of Memorial Hall. It 
was an imposing sight to behold the 
long line of visitors, who were living 
here on the European plan, with 
their tin-pails and baskets, waiting 
for the loaves and soup. 

At seven o'clock the Liquor Deal- 
ers' Protective Union proceeded to 
the Catholic Temperance Fountain, 
and dedicated the same with appro- 
6 



priate ceremonies. The president of 
the T. A. B.'s turned on the cock, 
and for the first half hour the mag- 
nificent fountain spouted sparkling 
streams of golden whisky, generously 
supplied as a pleasant surprise by the 
Protective Union. 

The statue of Christopher Colum- 
bus, the jolly salt previously men- 
tioned in this history, was next to 
be unveiled. It was serenaded by 
an orchestra of eighty hand-organs, 
after which the Italian societies and 
citizens were addressed in their na- 
tive tongue by the Italian Minister 
to the United States. He com- 
menced, naturally, with a glowing 
eulogy upon his immortal country- 
man — ■ 

"Sono rare e fugaci le occasioni 
grandi, ed e pudenza e magnanimita, 
quando si ofFeriscono, l'accettarle," 
said he, "and the noble man, whose 
statue reared by loving hands now 
stands beneath that veil, took his 
tide at its flood. Ill mondo e un bel 
libro, ma poco serve a chi non lo sa 
leggere, but 'twas a book which was 
plain to him, a book which he had 
read, an open page which he had 
studied. 

"Ill sangue nobile e un accidente 
della fortuna ; le azioni nobili carrat- 
terizzano il grande. No title greeted 
his coming to the world, but he left 
at his exit a name which still lives 
freshly on every tongue, while hun- 
dreds of potentates and their titles 
are forever buried in oblivion. Raise, 
raise the veil and let his features 
smile upon us." 

Amid cheers and vivas, the veil 
was raised ; when lo — the committee 
had made a mistake, and instead of 
Columbus, the statue of Religious 
Liberty erected by the Jewish order 



Y4 



FIREWORKS— HEREDITARY TALENT. 



of B'nai B'rith was exposed to view. 
The Italian minister was disgusted, 
and so were the Jewish lodges when 
they arrived and found their statue 
already unveiled. They arranged 
matters amicably, however, and 
started off with the sons of sunny 
Italy to discover the great dis- 
coverer and let oft' their speeches at 
the base of his monument. At ten 
o'clock there was a grand military 
review, of which we w T ill spare our 
readers the account, and at twelve 
precisely the International Concert 
in the open air was inaugurated 
with a symphony by twenty thou- 
sand string instruments. Most of 
the people thought the musicians 
were just tuning up, so of course the 
symphony was a success. At its 
conclusion an awful and unexpected 
sound startled the assemblage. The 
earth trembled, and the towering 
trees bent their haughty heads to 
earth. The Messrs. Krupp of Prus- 
sia, had fired off their mammoth 
gun. As soon as the report reached 
police headquarters, a posse under 
command of Chief Jones started 
for the grounds and arrested the 
Messrs. Krupp, their engineers and 
firemen, for violating the Mayor's 
proclamation. They passed the re- 
mainder of the day in the cells at 
"Fifth and Chestnut Streets. After 
the excitement caused by this pro- 
ceeding had subsided, the concert 
was continued. 

The national hymn of each coun- 
try was rendered by its native artists 
in appropriate costumes, all at the 
same time. The Mukdeesha War- 
bjers from the Eastern shore of 
Africa, made the most noise ; and 
the English singers in their affecting 
anthem "God shave the Queen," 
made the most music. 



It was four o'clock P. M. before 
the last howl died on the summer 
air, and then the crowds began mov- 
ing towards the "Grand Plaza." 
Here the display of fireworks was 
to take place under the direction of 
Professor Jackson, son of the Pro- 
fessor Jackson who directed the 
famous fireworks at New Orleans 
some years previously. One large 
piece was erected in honor of each 
State in the Union, and one in 
honor of each Nation represented 
in the Exposition. We make a few 
extracts from the programme (print- 
ed on white satin) which was handed 
to each attendant at the "Plaza," 
young and old, rich and poor. 

21. The City of Philadelphia: — 
A large Quaker with broad-brimmed 
hat in blue and gold. His feet repre- 
sent, respectively, Philadelphia and 
West Philadelphia, with the Schuyl- 
kill River, at white heat, flowing 
between. The tip of his hat typifies 
the State House steeple, and Sey- 
bert's bell will ring inside while the 
piece is burning. 

40. The Exhibition Buildings: — 
Gold, silver, and currency flames, 
with violet lights in relief. The 
commissioners in red, white, and blue, 
with stars darting from their eyes, 
distributed judiciously through the 
piece. 

54. The Lion and the Eagle 
lying down together: — Symbolic of 
the peace 'twixt England and Ame- 
rica. 1ST. B. The Eagle is inside of 
the Lion. 

72. Pearls beyond Price: — A 
golden oyster opens and emits in 
order the coats of arms of the thir- 
teen original States. 

84. A good Puff: — A mammoth 
cigar, which, shedding its outer 



GETTING HOME. 



75 



wrapper, will reveal the form and 
features of General Grant in blue 
blazes. 

At 5.15 o'clock, Professor Jackson 
thanked the Lord that all his prepa- 
rations were completed; at 5.20 the 
Lord responded with the heaviest 
shower of rain witnessed since the 



deluge. It exceeded Mr. Jackson's 
usual showers, in the same propor- 
tion as this spectacular effort was to 
have exceeded his former pyrotechnic 
exhibitions. The fire-works were 
turned to water-works, and the 
crowd sadly and slowly worked its 
passage home. 



CHAPTEE X 



"THE SMOKE." . . . How it went up. 

ERE and yellow grows the leaf 
in these closing pages of our vol- 
ume, and in now recording the 
last doings in connection with 
the Exposition, we would have 
such a splendid opportunity for 
^S { enlarging upon the mutability of 
mundane affairs, that we regret 
|S having neither the space nor con- 
|v tract for moralizing. We feel that 
,\w we could say something striking, 
J| something original, something to 
be remembered on the reader's 
deathbed, as a balm and consola- 
tion — but alas, prosaic publishers 
forbid; they will not allow us to 
inscribe words which might make 
death appear desirable. 
On the tenth day of September the charge for admission to the Exposi- 
tion was reduced one-half for the time of its continuance. This action 
occasioned a great influx of European nobility and gentry, parties who 
had been waiting for the reduction, and the extreme capacity of the 
various steamship lines was taxed for their accommodation. Baron 
Rothschild, Baroness Burclett Coutts, and the Marquis of Lome were 
among those who gave a new spurt of brilliancy to the affair. The poor 
Greeks came too, during these months, and their eminent countryman 
A. T. Stewart also made his first appearance upon the grounds. 

By this time most of the potentates had departed. We had become so 
used to affecting farewells, that the tears started voluntarily to our eyes 




76 



GIVE 'EM RATS ! 



whenever we chanced to hear a 
steamboat bell or a locomotive 
whistle. Only one of the poten- 
tates left without paying his hotel 
bill, a most gratifying fact. We 
refrain from mentioning his name 
out of consideration for his family. 

Things in general, out upon the 
grounds and in the buildings, began 
to look seedy, and the combined 
action of the Chinese and Japanese 
Commissioners, in summarily shut- 
ting up their portion of the show 
and going home, was productive of 
a general feeling of listlessness, a 
sort of forewarning of the end. We 
are sure that everything was done 
that could be done to please these 
pigtailed and pig-headed Celestials, 
but the fact is, the old boy himself 
couldn't satisfy them. We have 
no desire to record anything harsh, 
but we deem it our plain duty to 
state clearly, for the vindication of 
our beloved country in the eyes of 
posterity, what really occasioned 
this sudden move. 

Every candid reader will admit 
that it could by no possibility prove 
an easy task to supply, for the many 
varieties of visitors of such differ- 
ent tastes and habits, a full and 
liberal allowance of palatable food, 
such as that to which they had 
been accustomed. After the epi- 
sode of the Sandwich Island Com- 
mission which we have noted, the 
gentlemen of this delegation were 
given free run of the anatomical de- 
partments of Jefferson Medical Col- 
lege and the University, and the 
Executive Committee congratu- 
lated itself that they, at least, were 
provided for. And so they were. 
No more waiters were missed 
during the entire time of their 



stay. But suddenly, there was a 
revolution at the "Globe Hotel" 
and a mutiny at the "Transconti- 
nental." 

Day after day had the stewards 
of these hotels scoured the Callow- 
hill Street, the Spring Garden Street, 
the Girard Avenue, and all the city 
markets with terrier dogs and shot- 
guns, hunting rats to be served to 
the Celestials at their establish- 
ments. Traps, too, were placed 
under each stall; in short every 
luxury the markets afforded in this 
line was prepared for them, and the 
products of thousands of private 
traps were generously donated by 
patriotic citizens, and yet the sup- 
ply was not equal to the demand. 
Our visitors found a peculiar fasci- 
nating flavor in the American rat, 
and it became absolutely impossible 
to satisfy them. Then, too, the 
candles at these hostelries disap- 
peared in a rapid and mysterious 
manner. Mysterious until one fatal 
Wednesday evening, when a Man- 
darin of the first rank, who was en- 
titled to wear six swords and able 
to swallow the half dozen at once, 
and who consequently ought to have 
known better, was discovered with 
a box of penny dips under his flow- 
ing robes, making his way stealthily 
up the cellar steps at the " Globe." 
The very same evening a great com- 
motion was raised at the " Transcon- 
tinental" by the discovery of Gail 
Hamilton's lapdog, stewed in kero- 
sene oil, in the private chamber of 
the Secretary of the Chinese delega- 
tion. As might be expected, the 
visitors joined cause, braved the 
thing out, and declared that they 
were being starved, and were forced 
to this action to sustain life. Then, 



THE BATTLE OF THE MOTHERS. 



11 



packing up their goods, they left in- 
dignantly in a body. 

Reunions and conclaves, however, 
and meetings of national and inter- 
national, social , philanthropic, medi - 
cal and scientific bodies, kept things 
tolerably lively, and the month of 
October was really brilliant. There 
was a horse show, a cattle show, a 
dog show, and a poultry show. There 
was to have been a baby show too. 
In fact, it was announced and ar- 
ranged, but was broken up on the 
very day of opening by a terrible 
battle among the mothers. 

This battle was consequent upon 
the arrival of a 

MRS. McDUFF, 

with a red-headed and cross-eyed 
infant. 

" Begurra, what are ye doin 7 here ? 
go home wid ye," was her greeting 
to the fond mammas seated in the 
live-stock yard of the Pennsylvania 
R. R. Co. with their babies in their 
arms. " What's the good o' ye a 
sittin' here, compating wid me 
Mickey? — arrah, luk at the child 
and tell me where 's his ekul — sure 
there's nary one among ye has a 
baby fit to go 'longside o' him, wid 
his beautiful awburn hair and the 
shwate smile atwixt his eyes — go 
home wid ye, go home!" 

And, rolling up her sleeves she 
improvised a war dance. 

After four buckets of gore had 
been spilled, the managers adjourned 
the exhibition, giving every sur- 
vivor, without exception, a gold 
medal. Under the circumstances 
this was their wisest possible action. 

Of all the live-stock exhibitions 
the dog show was the most success- 



ful. The International Exposition 
would have been sadly wanting in 
completeness if the faithful compan- 
ion of man had been denied a place 
and recognition within its hallowed 
precincts. He had a place. The 
R. R. Drove Yards were arranged 
in tiers, after the style of La Scala 
at Milan, only, instead of accommo- 
dating but thirty-six hundred spec- 
tators, the drove yards accommo- 
dated, easily, as many thousands. 
We know of nothing to which this 
show can be likened save the dog 
pound in August. Wherever the 
lorgnette or opera glass was directed, 
spaniels, poodles, bloodhounds, ter- 
riers, pointers, setters, and bone- 
crunchers of every species, from the 
board yard mongrel who never 
earned an honest meal, to the noble 
St. Bernard who saves a life every 
morning before breakfast ; from the 
lady's pet with his golden collar, to 
the pugilist's bull-dog with his iron 
chain, met the gaze and bewildered 
the senses. Every dog had his day 
with him, tied up in tissue paper, 
and it was a pleasing sight to notice 
— at a distance— the wistful eye 
with which many of the canines 
followed the forms of plump visitors, 
and the broad grin with which they 
greeted a well-developed thigh. 

The International Regatta 

was the last affair of prominence, 
save the distribution of prizes, 
directly connected with the Exposi- 
tion. 

During the entire Spring and 
Summer our local boat clubs had 
been in active training, sitting on 
the ornamental balconies of their 
houses, smoking good cigars and 



IB 



WHO FIRED THAT BRICK? 



telling bad jokes; but they gener- 
ously vied with one another in the 
attention bestowed upon visiting 
clubs, sustaining well the reputation 
for hospitality usually accorded to 
jolly watermen. 

The 12th day of the month was 
the great day of the Regatta, the 
sports opening with a single scull 
race between the commodores of the 
leading American navies. 

Early in the morning Commodore 
Ferguson, of the Schuylkill Navy, 
might have been seen cruising up 
and down the river, in his flag-ship, 
the old frigate " Constitution." In 
one hand he held a long stick with 
a hook at the end, which he used 
for fishing old boots, hats, and other 
obstructions from the stream; in the 
other he held a pair of opera glasses. 
These he raised now and then to his 
weatherbeaten eye, inspecting rat- 
line, spar, spike, mast, shroud, wind- 
lass, and jib-boom of the fleet under 
his command. The fish from the 
river had been removed temporarily 
to the aquaria in the Zoological 
Gardens, and the Turbine wheels 
were reversed to pump water into 
the river from the reservoir, so that 
the boats might not run aground too 
easily. Both sides of the river, along 
the entire course, from the Steam- 
boat landing to Rockland, were actu- 
ally lined with spectators. Ensigns, 
pennants, signal flags, and streamers 
were flying from every available 
point, and old Sol smiled down 
graciously from above, with his time 
honored face newly burnished for 
the occasion, and reflecting its own 
happiness in the splashing water- 
drops below. 

First in position was James Gor- 
don Bennett of New York, stripped 



to the waist, with only a scarf of 
Scotch plaid thrown negligently 
about his editorial form. This poor 
young man makes his living by row- 
ing and walking matches, literally 
the sweat of his brow, and the sym- 
pathies of the crowd were with him. 
He was in a paper boat, made of old 
" Heralds" and weighing just nine 
pounds. On his left was Mr. Loril- 
lard, in a skiff made of pressed 
tobacco leaves. Occasionally he 
leaned over to the edge of his boat 
and bit a piece out. Commodore 
Forbes of Boston, was seated in the 
identical boat used by Paul Revere 
when he rowed from Lexington to 
Boston to give that alarm Mr. Long- 
fellow wrote about, and Commodore 
Kingsland had a silver boat. His 
colors were blue, and he looked his 
colors all over when he glanced to- 
wards Bennett. Commodore Dickin- 
son of Brooklyn, was accompanied 
by his sister, Anna E., as coxswain; 
this being required of him on account 
of the family light weight ; his col- 
ors were green. 

At precisely half past ten, Commo- 
dore Ferguson fired a brick into the 
river, which was the signal agreed 
upon, and the half score of contes- 
tants, after the usual salute, dipped 
their oars and made such a splendid 
start that it was vociferously encored. 

Secretary Robeson took the lead, 
closely followed by Bennett, the lat- 
ter being hotly pressed by Forbes of 
Boston. Then McGinnis of St. 
Louis, made a spurt, got alongside 
of the " Herald," which was soaking 
up water like a sponge. The race 
was now bow to bow for a few sec- 
onds, when O'Brien of Chicago, got 
rapidly forward. Robeson would 
still have had a good lead if the 



AND THE VOICE SAID "WOE!" 



79 




boats had been on the return trip. 
Opposite the Girard Bridge Commo- 
dore O'Shaughnessy of Baltimore, 
fouled Commodore Riley of New 
Orleans, and the other contestants 
being in the rear, the race narrowed 
down to Bennett, Lorillard, Forbes, 
and McGinnis. Near the Columbia 
Bridge, McGinnis ran his penknife 
through Forbes of Boston's hub, and 
though Lorillard promptly tendered 
a plug from his vessel to stop the 
leak, this delayed all but the irre- 
pressible Bennett, who won the race 
in 23 minutes 33J- seconds. This, 
strangely enough, was the same re- 
sult which had been published in 
the "K Y. Herald" that same 
morning, five hours before the race 
began. 

There remains now but little more 
to record. " Screw up your courage 
to the sticking point" (sticking 
things into the fire), for we shall 
soon part, mayhap to meet no more 
in print. We are happily permitted, 
however, before concluding, to add 



weight to the oft-repeated assertion 

that HISTOEY REPEATS ITSELF. Let 

sceptics reading what follows, change 
the current of their unbelieving 
thoughts. 

Now the end of the days of the Exposition 
was drawing nigh, and it came to pass that 
the chief of all the city's people dreamed a 
dream. 

And lo, in this dream he beheld a man sit- 
ting- lonely upon a lump of frozen water ; his 
features were set and stern in mould, and ici- 
cles dangled from the tips of his fingers and 
his nose. 

And it seemed to the chief that he heard 
in his dream a voice, and the voice said, 
"Woe!" 

Yea, " woe to those who have done this 
thing, who have placed me here in this 
frigid spot and forgotten my existence." 

" "When they die may their noses long for 
icicles and long in vain, may their parched 
tongues cleave into the gum roofing of their 
mouths, and in their misery may they think 
of me." 

And the chief man rose up early in the 
morning and summoned before him, Mr. San- 
som, the interpreter of the court, and related 
to him his dream. 

But the interpreter shrugged his shoulders, 



80 



THE CAESAR OF THE AGE. 



and muttering, " nix firstay," he retired to his 
studies of the mystic and the profound. 

But it happened that when the city's organs 
published the dream, the minds of men re- 
verted to their solicitor in the vaults of the 
Knickerbocker Ice Co., and the interpretation 
of the dream was clear. 

And the hearts of men were moved to pity 
and impulses of compassion, and they desired 
that the incarcerated man might view the 
fading glories, which in their brilliancy, had 
gladdened his fellow-citizens. 

And the chief called his counsellors to- 
gether, and Bardsley the son of his father 
rose up and spoke. " Listen, ye pilgrims, to 
the words of wisdom which fall like wild 
honey and locusts of the wilderness from my 
lips! 

" Behold, the days of the Exposition are not 
yet quite done ; it is still unsafe to risk this 
man's attendance thereat; but lo, I would 
suggest a plan whereby we may display in 
safety our compassion. 

" Let him ascend to the top of Sawyer's Ob- 
servatory, and from thence look down upon 
the grounds, even as Moses of old looked 
down from Nebo's Height upon the Holy 
Land." 



Yes, reader, it seems almost be- 
yond belief that the lion-hearted 
solicitor should have been forgotten. 
That the city managed to worry 
along for six months without his 
supervision, is one of those mysteri- 
ous chances which may only be ex- 
plained when the light of history 
and careful, unprejudiced investiga- 
tion shall, in the far distant future, 
illuminate the cobwebbed darkness 
of ages long then past. 

As Bardsley suggested, so was it 
done. A committee was appointed 
with power to act, and at high noon 
one clear, bright day, while special 
thanksgiving services were being 
chanted in all the churches, the Gen- 
eral's congealed form was hauled 
out of a wagon, with golden ice 
nippers, and landed safely on the flag 



pavement of Independence Hall. A 
gentle fire of rosewood shavings and 
sweet cacia wood was built around 
him, and he was gradually and ten- 
derly thawed out. The coat of ice 
melted away ; the stern features re- 
laxed, the water dripped from all 
portions of the herculean frame, the 
fog, mist, and steam generated by 
the process cleared away, and 

Charlie was himself again. 

While he was still receiving the 
congratulations of his friends, the 
contractors who were required to 
remove the buildings approached, 
and publicly offered him one hun- 
dred thousand dollars to remain in 
his own dwelling until the close of 
the exhibition and then go out to the 
grounds and cause a final crash. 
This, of course, would save them 
immense time, labor, and expendi- 
ture. With the dignity of Csesar on 
the Lupercal, he drew his form to its 
full height, and casting one look of 
disdain upon the contractors, who 
instantaneously disappeared beneath 
the flagging to rise no more, he 
walked slowly up Chestnut Street, 
followed by the plaudits of an en- 
thusiastic mob. 

The Awards of the Judges, 

though of immense importance, are 
of especial interest only to the ex- 
hibitors. Others desirous of posting 
themselves on this point, are referred 
to the musty, fusty rows of figures 
and statistics which will soon flood 
the American rag market. Two 
cents a pound is not an exorbitant 
price for information which is at all 
desirable. From the list of nine 



AN END TO EVERYTHING. 



81 



hundred and eight foreign and 
domestic judges, we will merely 
select the following familiar names : 
— Ludlow, Thayer, Biddle, D wight, 
Paxson, Hackett, Cardoza, and Fin- 
letter; Dr. Mary Walker, Prof. 
Proctor, Stephen Pearl Andrews, 
Bret Harte, Lydia Thompson, ¥m. 



Gladstone, Elwood Rowan, Gen. 
Garibaldi, Susan B. Anthony, and 
the Marquis of Lome. 

As the style of report was similar 
in all cases, an example will give a 
general idea of the plan adopted. 
The scriptural quotations were al- 
tered to suit each instance. 



"He giveth his beloved 
sleep." 


No. 1724. 
"Persian Roach Powder." 


"There is death in 
the pot." 


DO 

CO 



6 


m 
to 

P 


CO 

o 
a 

03 

•T3 
P 
CO 


o 

a 

3 

Ph 


'c? 
t-, 

3 


CO 

■a 

C8 

3 

+a 
O 

=t 
■ T3 

a 
o 
o 

CO 


Marks of appreciation 

of 

Judges' services. 


'el 

o 

EH 

5 


427 


426 


10 


10 


$12.75 


5 


12 boxes. 


2165 


—Three Gold Medals — 

Parent or Guardian will sign here 

"Lorne" — Judge of Roach Powder and Mother-in-Law Departments. 



The only squabble among the 
judges was concerning the report 
on American fried oysters. Coun- 
cilman Rowan and Premier Glad- 
stone indulged in some marked per- 
sonalities. They might have cbme 
to blows but for the prompt inter- 
vention of Miss Lydia Thompson 
and her little cowhide. She corner- 
ed the belligerents. Mr. Gladstone 
apologized to our distinguished 
councilman over a dish of the mat- 
ter in dispute, and they compromised 
on two gold medals and an honor- 
able mention. 

And now — 

When the hands of Nature began 
stripping the foliage from the trees, 
the hands of man began stripping 



the decorations from the gay palace- 
like structures which had been the 
theatre of the world's interest for 
six memorable months. Like the 
possessions of that happy but mythi- 
cal " family declining housekeeping," 
the hope and mainstay of the cheer- 
ful, chirping auctioneer, little by 
little, piece by piece, the furniture 
and contents of the great buildings 
were going — going — gone! 

The white beard of Winter covers 
our beautiful Park ; he has laid his 
icy hand upon the quiet stream 
which dances happily in the Sum- 
mer days between its green fringed 
banks ; the tall trees stand bare, look- 
ing into the gray-faced sky, and the 
jingle of sleigh-bells dies away in 



FAREWELL. 



the hollows, and rings out sharply 
o'er the frozen roads. The busy 
noise of Machinery Hall is hushed 
and forgotten; if you wish to hear 
the humming and the buzzing of 
a few weeks back, you must e'en 
apply to a humming-bird or a buzz- 
saw. The cries of the different ani- 
mals from the vicinity of Agricul- 
tural Hall no longer reach the ear, 
no matter how long the ear may be, 
and the scent of a million flowers 
from Horticultural Hall no longer 
steals the senses. The stealing is 
all over; the visitors have all gone 
home. 

Our country has had her holiday, 



and, donning her honest homespun 
suit, she goes quietly, surely, and 
confidently to work upon her second 
century. 'Tis but her babyhood 
which has passed into years gone, 
and yet — she has proved herself a 
man. 

Let us not endeavor to lift the veil 
which marks the boundary of the 
present. Blessed are the eyes which 
have seen these glories past, for 
many anticipating eyes grew closed 
and dulled before the fire blazed. 
Dear reader, as its smoke is carried 
upward and beyond, reluctantly we 
say — 

"Farewell!" 





JOHN STILZ & SON, 



OF PHILADELPHIA, 



S. E. cor. Seventh and llarket Sts., 



FINEST READY-MADE CLOTHING, 



CONSISTING OF 



Elegant Spring, Fall, and Winter Overcoats, 

FINE DRESS SUITS, 
FINE BUSINESS SUITS, 

Alpaca and Drap d'Ete Coats, 

Linen Ulsters and Dusters, 

In immense variety, and at the lowest cash prices. 



Granules of Podophyllin Comp, 

FOR AFFECTIONS OF THE LIVER, 
HEADACHE, CONSTIPATION OF THE BOWELS, etc., 

No. 4:6 N. Tenth St., Philadelphia. 

(Formerly 729 Market Street.) 



Our Granules of Podophyllin Comp. have become so popular a remedy, 
that we are encouraged to bring them more prominently before the public. They 
are invaluable for 

^f?@©te@ift8 @f tlte Lively 

CONSTIPATION, DYSPEPSIA, HEADACHE, &c. 

They are purely vegetable, and form a complete substitute for Calomel and 
Blue Mass, without any of their injurious effects. They make a safe, efficient, 
and convenient family remedy, and, being small in size, are more readily swallowed 
than a pill. 

Directions.— For ordinary Headache or Liver Affections, take from 4 to 6, 
or a sufficient number on retiring to evacuate the bowels once or twice the follow- 
ing day, and in severe cases repeat the dose for two or three consecutive nights, 
and, if necessary, resume the above course in two or three days. To produce a 
cathartic effect take 8 or more at a dose. 

Price 30 cents per Vial, by Mail, 35 cents. 



WE ARE ALSO OFFERING 



which are particularly adapted for the expulsion of Worms in children. Unlike 
many worm nostrums of the day, they are entirely harmless, and, being small in 
size, they make a safe remedy that is readily administered. 
Dose. — 2 to 4 twice daily. 

Price 30 cents per Vial, by Mail, 35 cents. 

We are paying exclusive attention to the manufacture of the above, with a 
full line of FLUID EXTRACTS 

DRUGGISTS and PHYSICIANS are solicited to give them a trial. We 
confidently assert their superiority to any in the market. 

Price List furnished upon application. 



HENRY M. REIS. 



C. BECHERER. 



REIS & BECHERER, 





IMPORTERS OF 



bejjdies, weds, &ns, 



ETC. ETC. ETC., 



No. 306 North Third Street, 



PHILADELPHIA. 



FIELD & HARDIE, 



633 

MARKET 

Street, 
PHI LA., 




624 

Commerce 

Street, 
PENNJU 



DEALERS AND MANUFACTURERS OF 




r ^ 

g — 
MS 




ALWAYS IN STOCK A FULL LINE OF 



Eash FulleySp with Composition Fins, 

FOR HEAVY SASH, 
Of our own Manufacture. 

DOOR LOCKS, 

Over Two Hundred Styles. 

Including MALLORY, WHEELER & CO.'S New 
Four-Tumbler Mortice and Rim Locks, with Master 
Keys. Put up in sets for Hotels and Private Resi- 
dences. LOOK TRIMMINGS IN PURE SOLID 
BRONZE, SILVER AND NICKEL PLATED, with 
Butt Hinges to match. 

Every variety of TRIMMINGS for Sash, and 
Inside Shutters. 

NAILS, 

Sash-Weights, and Cord. 




Established 1841, 



WHIGHT'S 



cc 



NE PLUS ULTRA" 



MINCED MEAT. 



M 



Be careful of # rm^ *\ They sell Wright's 

unprincipled Grocers P Wj| || "NE PLUS ULTRA 
representing that %k W M Minced Meat. 



The only Medal for Minced Meat, awarded by the Franklin 

Institute of 1874 to 



JOSHUA WRIGHT, 

S. W. Comer 

Spring Garden and Franklin Streets. 

PHILADELPHIA. 



H. D. METER, 



MILLISEEY GOODS, 



RIBBONS, 



SILKS, SATINS, VELVETS, 



AND 



STSitw &&&m, 



No. 52 North Eighth Street, 



Below Arch, west side, 



PHILADELPHIA. 



Trimmed Hats and Bonnets a Specialty. 



J. Dickson & Co., 

ENGRAVERS 

BY 

Dickson's Patent Process. 

OFFICE: 

North-East Corner Fourth and Walnut Sts., 

PHILADELPHIA, PA. 
These Engravings possess the following Advantages over Wood Cuts : 

They are made of a material that is SUPERIOR to either metal 
or wood. 

They are not affected by DAMPNESS or any corroding agents, 
and will not WARP or SPLIT. 

They do not get BLURRED when a large number of impressions 
are printed from them; and they are furnished at One- Half the 

Cost. 

Electrotypes and Stereotypes can be made from these Engravings 
in the usual manner. 

These Engravings are mounted on blocKs type high, ready for use 
on any printing press. 

Proofs furnished when required, and Engravings guaranteed to 
equal proof in all respects. 

Engravings made for all sorts of Illustrations for Catalogues, Cir- 
culars, Books and Newspapers, etc. 

Printers, Publishers, Manufacturers and others, desiring first- 
class work at reasonable prices, should give us a trial. 

By this process all styles of Engraving may be imitated; thus 
enabling type printers to do work formerly done by Lithography 
and other methods. 

Accurate, Fine, and Effective Work, also Illustrated Catalogues, a 
Specialty. 

Estimates Furnished. 

The Engravings made by our method have not the broken and 
blurred appearance so peculiar in photo-engravings, zinc etchings, 
and other kindred processes ; besides being furnished in a very short 
time, and at half the price of wood cuts. 

ENGRAVINGS MADE FROM PHOTOGRAPHS, SKETCHES, REPRINTS, &c„ k 

Address, J. DICKSON & CO., 

NORTH-EAST CORNER FOURTH AND WALNUT STREETS, 

„ „ ^ a . PHILADELPHIA, PA- 

N. B.— Orders by Mail Promptly Attended to, 



Publishers, Booksellers, 

JMPORTERS AND gTATIONERS. 




Claxton, Remsen & Haffelfinger 

624, 626 and 628 Market St., 
PHILADELPHIA. 

All orders for everything required by the Trade filled Promptly and on 
the Most Favorable Terms. Correspondence solicited. 



No. 71 North Second Street, 



PITKIN, WATERBURY &. CO., 

110 Chambers St., 2f«w York. 



PHILADELPHIA, 

WHOLESALE DEALERS IW 

GOVERNMENT STORES, 

OVERCOATS, 

DRESS COATS, 
BLOUSES, 
JACKETS, 

PANTS, etc. etc. 

ARMY BOOTS AND SHOES. 

RUBBER BLANKETS, 
RUBBER OVERCOATS, 

RUBBER HORSE COVERS, 

WOOLLEN BLANKETS. 

Also, 

MANUFACTURERS OF AND DEALERS IN 

Buggy, Track, and Team Harness, 

HORSE CLOTHING, &c. 



SEND FOB PRICE LIST. 



LADIES' FURS. 



BUFFALO AND SLEIGH ROBES. 



Seal FIIDC ^al 
Coats, f UiiVi Caps. 



etc. etc. etc. 



BEST QUALITIES, LARGEST STOCK, 



LOWEST pmi€E8 t 



AT 



NAV. C. REISKY, 

No. 237 ARCH STREET, 



PHILADELPHIA. 

P. S.—I can sell a first-class article 10 per cent, 
less than any other fur store in the City. 



Shipping Furs bought in season. 




HARBACH'S ORIGINAL CENTENNIAL NfllJGATMES 



iw<» 



mm 



WSBMW/ 

' ORIGINAL 




mud 



^ 36 Ntii8tSt.&B37 & 803 Filbert St.Philada. Pa. ' 










Watchiaker AH) Jewelee, 

1306 Pine Street, 



DEALER IN 



Watches, Jewelry, Wedding Rings, etc. 



MANUFACTURER OF 



Masonic Marks, Society Emblems, etc. 

ALSO SPECIAL AGENT FOR THE 




CELEBRATED "56" CHARM 



Particular attention paid to Repairing. 



; ! 



ENTERPRISING. PROMPT. PRACTICAL, 



HIRSCH & LARZELERE, 





No. 30 South Fourth St.. Philada, 



SPECIALTIES 



BILL-HEADS, 

LETTER-HEADS, 

STATEMENTS, 
LABELS. 
CIRCULARS, CARDS, etc. etc. 



Printing in English, German, French, Spanish, 
and all Modern Languages. 



gh-ve XJS .A. TRIAL. 



HENRY N. HIRSCH. EDWARD HIRSCH. SAMUEL M. LARZELERE. 



ALLEN SCOTT & CO 



1 



IMPORTERS, 



Wholesale and Retail Dealers in 



EABPITIK OIL CLOTHS 



etc. etc. etc., 



No. 35 



North Second Street, 



PHILADELPHIA. 



P. E. MToKENNA.. 



Established 1844. 



jos. McAllister. wm. f. carrigan. 

McAllister & Co., 

MANUFACTURERS OF AND DEALERS IN 

FINE WINDOW SHADES, 

PLAIN, FIGURED, OR LETTERED, FOR 

Dwellings, Stores, Hotels, Churches, Factories, 

ETC. ETC. ETC. 

Nos. 17 and 19 N. Second Street, 

(Opp. Christ Church,) 

PHILADELPHIA. 

Patentees and Wholesale Agents for 



WlliiW MA®® WlMTWMWe 



FINE STORE SHADES A SPECIALTY. 



HALE, KILBURN & CO., 

SOLE PROPRIETORS AND MANUFACTURERS OF 




The "Champion" Folding Bedstead and Crib. 

The "Everitt" Bedstead. 

The most complete thing of its kind ever invented. Folded, it is a perfect 
imitation of a wardrobe; unfolded, a complete bedstead; is folded with the bed 
ready to occupy, and requires but a moment to fold and unfold. 

Made in erery 
Style, from the 
Plainest to the 
most elaborate. 

CLOSED. OPENING. OPEN. 

Prices to suit nil classes, running from $33 upwards. 




A 




The hest arti- 


1 


^|H& 


cle of furniture 




'"ABa 


offered for use 






JB during the Cen- 
tennial Tear. 



HALE'S FLEXIBLE TOP SPEIflG BED. 

CLEAN, NEAT, NOISELESS, COMEOBTABLE, DURABLE, CHEAP. 




HALE'S FLEXIBLE SEAT CHAIRS, STOOLS, etc. etc, 

Superior in every respect to any other tvood or cane seat. 
Give perfect satisfaction. Send for descriptive 
circular and price list. 



ALSO, GENERAL MANUFACTURERS OF 

Walnut Picture and Looking-glass Frames, Mouldings, Pedestals, 

Music Stands, etc. etc. 



BRANCH STORE, 
613 Broadway, 

New York, 



SALESROOM, 

48 & 50 N. Sixth St., 
Philadelphia, Pa. 



FACTORIES, 

48 & 50 N. 6th St., 

615-621 Filbert St., Phils 





Boston, New York, Philadelphia, 
Chicago, Cincinnati, St. Louis. 



Dennisoris Patent Shipping Tags. 

Cloth, Parchment, and Metal Eyelet Shipping Tags. 

Merchandise Tags for Cloths, Clothing, Dry Goods, 
Hardware, Fancy Goods, Jewelry, etc. 

Gum Labels and Legal Seals, Pin Tickets, 
Fancy Tickets, Artificial Floioer Labels, 
Pattern Cards for Woollens. 

Jeiveller's Paper Boxes, 

Jeweller's Cards, Pink and White Cotton, 
Fine Twines, Sealing Wax, etc. etc. 

Apothecaries 1 Poivder Papers and Boxes. 

IMPORTERS OF 

Fine English Tissue Papers Chamois Skins, 

Morocco Ring and Thimble Boxes, 

Sealing Wax, Wood Boxes, etc. etc. 

Sales Agents for McGilVs Goods. 



632 Chestnut St., Philada. 19 Milk St., Boston. 

202 Broadway, New York. 
150 S. Clark St., Chicago. 4th & Vine Sts., Cincin, 

110 Pine Street, St. Louis. 




THE DIRECTOR-GENERAL AFTER THE EXHIBITION. 









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